You really are in trouble
by BeethovenRIP
Summary: The College Shooting has plagued him for months, 'what kind of man have I become'. The Review Panel are about to make thier judgement on the lives of a husband and wife - They were about to tear two people apart all over again, could they really have the destruction of a marriage and friendship on their conscience? Please read and review, all comments welcome.
1. Chapter 1

_**A / N: OK, so after reading a lot of lovely FanFic's, I decided to bite the bullet and write one. This is my first Fanfic, so I am a little nervous about publishing it. I have based this around the college shootings exploring the strain it put on Jeff and Dixie's marriage and friendship. I hope you like it. **_

Jeff sat bolt upright in bed sweating profusely as he tried to catch his breath. He had a look of terror and fear in his eyes, he was scared. The flashbacks to that day at the college were coming thick and fast in the lead up to the memorial, to tell the truth, they haunted him.

As his breathing slowly returned to normal, he remained sat up looking down at his injured hand. He wanted to punish himself for not saving those people, he wanted to feel pain. Will it make it any better? Who knows, but it was worth a try.

He began to press down on his wound causing a sharp pain to soar through him, this did not deter him, he carried on pressing harder and harder until fresh blood seeped through his fingers. He did not know it yet, but he was sobbing loudly, tears fell from his eyes freely as his continued to make himself hurt.

Jeff was so deep in his self loathing that he had not noticed Dixie walk into his room, nor had he felt her sit down on his bed beside him. He wanted to feel pain; he was determined to feel pain. She took hold of his hand releasing the pressure on the wound turning his head so he was looking at her. She could see the anger, pain and hurt in his reddened eyes.

'Oh love, why are you doing this to yourself?' she asked pulling him in for a hug.

Jeff fell into her arms and continued to sob into her chest. Dixie held him tight running her hands across his back and head to soothe her best friend and husband. 'You need help mate, you really are in trouble aren't you?' Jeff did not say anything to his wife, he couldn't, what would he say to her? Instead he looked straight into her eyes for the second time that day before turning away from her lying back down. Dixie looked at him wondering what to do next; it was clear he didn't want to talk, so, leaning over she kissed him on the cheek before getting up and leaving him to sleep.

As she walked out of his room, she turned back to look at him lying there. She wished he would talk to her, tell her what he was feeling, tell her what happened to him. She wanted to help him, but he wouldn't not let her in. He did not want to open up to her.

Filled with sadness herself she slowly closed his door and walked back to her own room getting back into bed.

Her sleep seemed short lived as she was woken up by the banging of the front door. Looking over to the clock it read 7.30am, she sat up confused as to why Jeff was leaving so early, the memorial was not until 10am. Throwing her covers from her she got up and walked to the window looking out just in time to see their car reverse off the drive and speed off.

'What is he playing at?' she asked herself as she walked into his room to find any clues as to why he had left so early. She could not find any, his bed was made, his dirty washing was placed in the laundry box, but the suit was missing along with his phone and wallet. Dixie stood in the doorway confused but was not really surprised; he had not spoken to her since he had beaten up the patient outside the ED, why would he tell her where he was going?

Sighing to herself, she began to get ready for the morning and their shift together leaving the house to start her walk to the college in the hopes that her husband would be there.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A / N: OK, so I got bitten by a writing bug and found myself writing a second chapter even though the first one has not been reviewed yet. This includes reference to Series 25 episode 7 with a slight twist, hope you enjoy it. **_

Jeff sat in his car facing the entrance to the college watching as flowers were brought in with people arriving. He had had another flashback remembering the girl's face as she died in his arms which caused his head to ache. Raising his hand to his eyes in attempts to get his thoughts together there was a knock at the car window. Looking up, he saw Dixie stood there with two cups of coffee.

'Morning' she said as he briefly looked at her before turning his face away getting out of the car. He still did not look at her; he still did not speak to her. Dixie placed one of the cups on the roof of the car for him before leaning up against it herself.

'So what time did you get off this morning?' She knew the answer, but wanted to get him to speak to her, this did not work as Jeff continued to put his tie on looking at his reflection in the car window. Getting frustrated, Dixie turned away 'so is this going to go on much longer? The silent treatment'. Jeff still did not answer; instead he caught his injured hand and let out a sigh.

'Come here love, let's have a look' Dixie said as she turned to face Jeff and place her cup on the roof of the car. She was shocked when her turned back to her, looked her in the eye and said 'Leave it, just leave it' before turning away and continuing to put his tie on.

In silence they made their way into the main hall where the service was being held, Jeff was on edge being back at the college but found some comfort of having Dixie at his side, deep down he knew she was there for him and would help him, but he just could not face up to his actions, after all, what would she think of him?

As they walked into the room, Jeff slowed down taking in the surroundings, the pictures, the relatives, the flowers. He really did not want to be there, he did not deserve to be there.

Adam broke his thought as he came over 'am I glad to see you, you OK goose?'

'Straighten your face aye Jeff, look they are just appreciative, they are here to give you a medal remember?' came the northern tone of his best friend in an attempt to cheer him up, but it wasn't working.

As Adam was called away, one of the victims parents approached Jeff to speak with him about his son, the conversation seemed to go over his head as the emotion and guilt got the better of him, he had to go and it had to be now. As he turned away from the grieving father, Jeff still did not make eye contact with Dixie; instead he looked down at the ground and walked out at such a pace Dixie had to run to catch him up.

'Jeffrey I know what's going on?' she shouted down the corridor at him causing him to turn and face her. 'You cannot keep blaming yourself for not saving everyone else'. Jeff froze, said nothing to her in response but walked away hearing her shout his name after him. He wasn't going to turn around, even though he wanted to. Deep down, he wanted to run back to her and fall into her arms; he wanted her to comfort him, to tell him everything was alright, to not hold it against him. But his guilt stopped him, he did not deserve to be comforted, he did not deserve her kind and supportive words. He deserved to suffer.

Dixie really did not know what to do as she watched her best friend walk away. She knew he was hurting, she knew he needed to talk, but also knew he would come to her when he was ready, there was no point pushing him into it. Dixie knew what Jeff could be like when he was angry about something, he would be a mixed bag of emotions, would go from anger to shouting to crying in a short space of time. She merely hoped he held it together for a little while longer. Turning on her heel, she walked back into the Hall to accept Jeff's award on his behalf, after all, she was his wife.

Jeff couldn't get out of the college quick enough, he was hearing the alarms sound in his head, the gun shots, the screams, he had to go now. As he drove back to the Ambulance station he listened to the radio to try and take his mind off the morning's events, it was at least another 2 hours before his shift started but he could not face going home, he needed to be doing something.

As he changed into his uniform, he caught another sight of his reflection in the mirror; he stood there looking back at himself not really recognising the person that was stood there in front of him. This man had lost his smile, his features where scrunched up and angry, he had not shaved; he did not care about himself. Was this who Jeff had become? Was this who he wanted to be? All he knew was that he could not bear to look at the reflection any longer. Closing his locker door, he picked up the ambulance keys and drove to the ED, he would wait there for her to return.

Time seemed to fly by for Jeff as he scrubbed the floor of their ambulance to within an inch of its life. He had the radio on, but wasn't really paying attention to it until it was unceremoniously switched off. Looking up he saw Dixie looking back at him before he threw the brush into the water and got up making his way to the open doors. She thrust a box into his hand walking past him 'your award, thanks for that'.

Jeff sat down on the steps stroking the box staring at it while Dixie carried on talking to him. 'Well let's not beat around the bush, I think you need to go and see someone, you need help. Listen I do not mind covering your back or lying for you, I think when it comes down to it, I would do pretty much anything for you, but I kinda want to know why'.

'There's nothing to talk about' he replied

'After everything you have been through, you need some help' she urged softening her tone.

'There's nothing to talk about' he repeated.

'OK, well, you come in with me now and get that hand seen to, or I am gonna report you for beating up that bloke the other day'. Jeff turned to look at her, his face a mix of anger and hurt, how could she do that to him?

'Not joking'.

Without looking at her, Jeff got up and walked back into the ambulance putting the box into his jacket before climbing back down to walk into the ED with his wife. He could feel her hand on his shoulder as she guided him through the ED and to Tess.

'Tess, could you do us a favour please love, could someone take a look at Jeff's hand please? He injured it the other day playing around with lil Abs in the living room, but you know what he is like, did not want to make a fuss'. Dixie was amazed at how good she was a lying, but when it came to Jeff, she would do pretty much anything for him.

'Sure, pop into Cubicle three and I will be there in a minute' Tess replied walking off.

Dixie took Jeff by the arm and literally dragged him into the cubicle pointing to the bed for him to sit on. Jeff did as he was instructed and sat on the end of the bed staring at the floor. Dixie merely stood to his side resting against the post. She continued to look at him even if he did not return her gaze.

'You know I am here for you don't you mate?' she said as she watched him sink lower into himself. 'You can tell me anything when you are ready'.


	3. Chapter 3

**A / N: So thank you to GirlWednesday for the reviews, it is much appreciated. I couldn't think of where I was going to take the story, so I have continued with Series 25 episode 7 however, I have now started to move away from the actual episode to take it in a different direction. I hope it is OK and I haven't gone too far! **

Jeff did not turn to look at Dixie all the time they were in the cubicle; he stared at the floor thinking about the college and what he had witnessed. He hated himself for not doing more, he felt ashamed of himself for not doing more.

'Right, let's have a look then'. Jeff's thoughts were interrupted by Tess coming in and taking hold of his hand looking over the wound. Jeff merely stared at it wincing as she touched it.

'So, you were playing with the dog?' she asked quizzically, Tess had been a nurse for a long time, she was far from convinced by the story let alone the injury she was presented with. She remained unconvinced when Jeff did not look up at her, so she turned to Dixie.

'Yeah, I heard this almighty crash from the kitchen, and when I ran in, I found Lil Abs stood by the window and Jeff on the floor after he hit the coffee table. I think he went to grab Lil Abs but he wasn't quick enough. Getting slow in your old age aren't you mate?' Dixie spoke up in place of Jeff hoping that this will convince Tess that Jeff wasn't responsible for the beaten up patient yesterday.

'Well, it is not too deep, so I will get a bandage for you, it seems a little infected, I will see if I have any cream I can give you for it.'

'Cheers love... Jeff'

'Yeah, thanks Tess, appreciate it'

Tess hadn't gone for long, she seemed to return within a split second noticing the fact that Jeff and Dixie had not spoken to each other since entering the ED. She knew Jeff had been through a traumatic time, but this did not seem right, they always had something to say to each other. She decided to leave them to it, she knew Dixie would get to the bottom of whatever was eating Jeff.

'There you go, you need to change the dressing each day and apply the cream at least twice a day for the next week'

'Thanks Tess, I will take that and sort him out'

'I am a Paramedic you know, I can do this myself' Jeff snapped back at his wife.

'I know love; I was just saying I will look after it for now until we get home'

'Is everything OK between you two?'

'Yeah, we are fine aren't we Jeffrey?'

Jeff merely nodded in response to the question leaving Dixie smiling awkwardly at Tess slightly embarrassed by the situation. As Tess left them to it, their silence was short lived as Jeff overheard Ruth discussing Devlin O'Connor and his treatment with Tess. Anger surged through his body as he jumped off the end of the bed and walked into the corridor. How could they be treating him? Why should they be concerned about his welfare? After all, he didn't care when he opened fire at the college?

'Is this Devlin O Connor?'

'Yes'

'Why do you think there is anything wrong with him? He's a nutter isn't he? He could be putting it on.'

Ruth looked at Jeff, she was fed up of having her judgement questioned and the fact that a Paramedic questioned it, well, that was the final straw.

'Yeah well I think..'

'Yeah, well I think he's playing you love. Six weeks he's been banged up in cell on his own day in and day out then all of a sudden BOOM tummy bug and here he is, own room, change of scene, you running around on a wild goose chase. Lovely, all courtesy of the NHS'. By this time Jeff had walked right up to Ruth and was getting more irate at every word, his voice was raised and he was causing a scene.

Dixie rolled her eyes and followed him out of the cubicle and towards Ruth, she needed to try and stop him, try and calm him down, but he wasn't having any of it.

'Hang on a sec, I am not on some wild goose chase...'

'YEAH, WELL GIVE ME 10 MINUTES IN A ROOM WITH HIM AND WE WILL SEE' Jeff was shouting, he was cross, why should Devlin O Connor get the five star treatment? Why isn't he suffering? He was so angry he hadn't noticed his fists were clenched ready to fight back, he could feel the anger rising through him, the hatred towards Devlin O Connor, the hatred he had towards himself. He could not contain it much longer, he was about to explode. Why didn't they see what he was like? Why didn't they just let him suffer in his cell? Jeff would make him suffer, he was certain of it.

'Jeff, just stop it aye' came the voice behind him. As Dixie placed her hand on his arm to pull him around and away, Jeff lashed out hitting her in the face causing her to stagger backwards before falling to the ground. Jeff watched in horror as blood fell from her nose and mouth onto her clothes, he also watched in horror as she fell backwards hitting the side of her head on the desk. It all happened in slow motion for Jeff, had he really done that? Had he really just lashed out at her? Guilt began to consume him even more, what had he done?

Dixie passed out on the floor of the ED, blood pouring from her face. Everyone around who had witnessed Jeff's outburst had also witnessed him hit his best friend, his wife, his partner. The one person who could help him through it, he had just attacked.

'Can I have some help here please?' shouted Tess as her and Ruth ran to Dixie pushing Jeff out of the way.

'Let's get her into a cubicle' Ruth said as she examined Dixie's head a little more closely.

'GET OUT OF MY WAY' Jeff shouted at the women as he moved closer to Dixie.

'Jeff, I think you should just leave and calm down, don't you?' Tess said looking at him, he could see fear in her eyes, did she think he would intentionally do this to someone he cares so much about? He wanted to explain what he was feeling, what he was going through, but he couldn't. He wouldn't let himself.

He merely ignored Tess before picking Dixie up in his arms, holding her close to him, carrying her to the cubicle they had left only a few moments ago. Jeff placed her down gently on the bed feeling tears well up in his eyes as he looked closer at the damage he had done. Jeff stood there for a few moments holding her hand and stroking her head. 'I am so sorry Dix' he whispered before looking up and over to Ruth and Tess. They wanted him to go and deep down he knew he had to as well. Jeff leant in to kiss her softly before turning on his heel, walking away from her as the tears fell.


	4. Chapter 4

**A / N – Thank you for the reviews the kind words have made me want to continue so I hope you enjoy. If anyone has any ideas of how I can move this story on, feel free to PM me. I do have ideas, but want to make it a good read to all the Jeff and Dixie fans. **

'Dixie can you hear me?' Tess had placed her hand on Dixie's forehead rubbing it as she spoke. 'Dix, can you hear me?'

Dixie started to come to, her head hurt, it hurt a lot. She slowly opened her eyes taking in her surroundings moving her head to look at Tess. As she did, she felt an intense pain pour through her that it made her sick. Tess had lightening quick reactions pacing the sick bowl by her mouth to avoid her clothes being covered in sick as well as blood. 'Come on, it's OK, let it out, you will feel better for it'.

Dixie lay back down slowly, still looking confused. The memory was starting to come back to her, she was in shock. Had that really happened? Had Jeff really hit her? She did not know what to think so looked over towards Tess and Ruth for some explanation to how she ended up here.

'Dixie' came the voice of a stern sounding Ruth 'I need to tell you that Jeff hit you in the face; as a result of this you have a broken nose, a puffy eye and a swollen mouth. As you fell, you hit the left side of your head on the desk which caused you to black out. We have stitched the wound, but cannot do anything for your nose until the swelling goes down in a couple of days. We will be taking you for a scan shortly to see if there is any further damage. Tess, I would like half hourly neuro obs '. Ruth was never one for sentiment or any form of emotion, it was all matter of fact, and she never really saw the patients as people, the fact that this was a colleague made no odds to her. Tess nodded as Ruth left the cubicle to write up the notes.

'You need to rest Dixie, is there anything you would like me to get for you?' Tess had known Dixie for a long time, she knew how much her and Jeff cared for each other but she could not forget what she witnessed.

'Can.., can..., can you get Jeff please love?'

'Are you sure that is a good idea Dixie, after all he did this to you. I do not think it is in your best interest to have him here, who knows what he might do to you, or any of us'. Dixie could hear the concern in Tess' voice, but she knew Jeff, she wanted Jeff.

'Is that what you really think of him? Come on, you know Jeff, you know he is not that type of person'

'Do I? From what the ED has just witnessed he seems exactly that person. Dix, stop lying for him, you cannot make excuses for what he has just done.'

'Tess, he didn't mean to do it. He isn't thinking straight. He has gone through enough recently. It is my fault, I have been pushing him for weeks now to talk to me about the college shooting, I should have stopped and trusted that he would open up when he was ready.'

'Stop making excuses for him Dix, he assaulted you in plain view of everyone else, and you cannot make excuses for that kind of behaviour'. Tess stopped mid sentence looking down at her friend. She could see it in her eyes, she was worried about him, and she wanted to protect him.

'Why do you still insist on lying for him? ' Tess said softly as Ruth entered the the cubicle.

'Right, they are ready to do your scan and just so you know, I have reported the attack'

'YOU HAVE DONE WHAT? Why did you do that?' Dixie was frantic with worry, she did not want Jeff getting into trouble with the police or the Ambulance Trust, why did Ruth have to poke her nose into her business?

'Maybe we should discuss this after your scan, now is not the right time.' Came the reassuring voice of Tess.

'No, you cannot do this to me, to us, please don't do this, please' Dixie was begging. She was becoming increasingly upset at the prospect of losing Jeff as a partner and friend especially if the police got involved.

'Dixie he assaulted you in plain view of everyone in this ED, you know better than anyone here that he needs to face up to what he has done'. Ruth snapped back at her before raising her eyes to heaven as she walked away. 'What is it with people questioning me today, especially the Paramedics?'

'We cannot tolerate violence in the ED Dixie, you know that. ' Tess wanted to ask what was on everyone's minds, she already had her suspicions after patching up Jeff's hand, but couldn't bring herself to think that he would have any involvement in the incident yesterday. Sensing her awkwardness towards her, Dixie spoke up.

'What is it Tess?'

'Nothing, I was just thinking.'

'About?'

'Dixie, don't take this the wrong way, but, yesterday, did Jeff have anything to do with Mr Valentino being assaulted outside the ED?' Tess observed the horror in Dixie's eyes as she asked the question. Deep down she knew Jeff was involved and so did Dixie, but would she admit to it?

Looking away from her, Dixie lowered her voice and replied, 'Tess how could you think that? I told you, he hurt himself playing silly buggers with the dog.'

'Well, after his reaction this morning towards Ruth,...'

'WELL YOU ARE WRONG' Dixie shouted back at her colleague before turning away from her. 'You want to know if you can get me anything, well how about some peace and quiet'.

Tess left her be knowing that she had touched a nerve looking back at the Paramedic before she was wheeled off for her scan.

All different thoughts were racing through her aching head as Big Mac wheeled her to the CT scanner, she couldn't continue to lie to people, they knew what he had done, and she could not make up enough excuses to bail him out of this one – as much as she wanted to.

'Right, well here we are Dixie' Big Mac said as they arrived at the room. 'I know you do not want to hear my opinion, but I am going to say it anyway. I think it is disgusting what he did to you, a man hitting a woman is abhorrent even more so a husband hitting his wife', Big Mac was never one for tact, he always managed to put his foot in it.

Dixie couldn't bring herself to answer him; instead she looked away tears falling down her face. That is not who he is she kept on telling herself. 'Jeff is not like that Big Mac, you know it and I know it. He is the most caring person in the world and he means the world to me, so just drop it yeah?'

Before Big Mac could respond he was broken off by the nurse who came out to wheel Dixie in for her scan.

'OK, Mrs Collier, let's see what is going on in your head then shall we?'

How ironic Dixie thought, maybe they could find the solution to her current problem and tell her how to solve it quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

Jeff hurried out of the ED still in a state of shock over what had happened, he felt sick over what he had done. He could not believe he had reacted like that to Devlin O Connor being in the ED. He could not believe he had hit his best friend? He kept his head down and eyes fixed to the ground as he walked passed his colleagues who were whispering and staring at him. He knew what they were saying, what they were asking each other, and to be honest, he couldn't answer the question if he was asked it directly. His head was a mess, his emotions all over the place and the one person who would help him was lying on a bed out cold because of him.

As he walked out of the doors the fresh air hit him bringing on a bout of sickness. Running around the corner of the ED, he placed one hand against the wall and was sick on the floor; he felt his legs give way under him as he sank down holding his head in his hands, shaking. People came over to him to see if he was OK, but he merely brushed them off. He did not want their help, or their sympathy especially if they found out what he had done – that is assuming they did not already know.

It took a little while, but Jeff slowly started to get himself back together when he noticed Big Mac walking across the car park to him. Jeff did not want to talk and he was not really in the mood for a telling off either. Deciding it would be best if he left, Jeff stood up slowly leaning against the wall before turning on his heel heading back to the ambulance.

'Jeffrey' Big Mac called after him; Jeff could do nothing but stop but he refused to look around at the man, he just stared at the floor.

'Listen, I am not in the mood for an argument or your opinions, I just want to be left alone'

'Well I am not in the mood to talk to you. I was just going to tell you that Dixie has come to and is having a scan, I thought you would want to know that's all'

'Oh yeah... thanks'

'I wasn't telling you to ease your guilt. Just keeping you in the loop about your colleague in case you needed to arrange cover'.

'Thanks' Jeff looked on as Big Mac looked him up and down and muttered about how he thought Jeff's actions that morning were disgusting and he was a disgrace to do something like that to his wife. Big Mac was right, he was a disgrace and he knew it, but that did not stop his anger showing.

'If you have something to say, at least say it directly to me instead of behind my back. I know what you are thinking, what you are all saying about me, so just be a man and say it' Jeff shouted out.

'You disgust me, what did she do to deserve that? You are a mess Jeffrey and a disgrace to the uniform you are in and to this ED' Big Mac spat back without hesitation.

'I disgust myself, so don't worry about trying to make me feel worse than I already do'

'If I wasn't the person I am, I would have hit you by now, but two wrongs do not make a right and you have to make this right with us and your wife'. Big Mac was right and he knew it, he left Jeff stood in the car park to ponder his actions and what he would do.

How am I going to make it right? Will she ever forgive me? Will she still want me? Will she trust me again? These questions were racing through his mind as Jeff drove back to the Ambulance Bay. Parking it up outside, he chose to sit there for a little while before another flashback hit him. This one had hit him hard especially as he saw Dixie's face at the end. Wracked with emotion and guilt, he made his way up the corridor to Dixie's office stopping at the door to read the sign 'Kathleen Collier, Operational Duty Manager'. He used his fingers to trace over her name stopping just before Collier. He smiled at the memory of the day she got the sign changed to take his surname; he was deeply touched by this, he couldn't help by wonder if she still wanted to be Mrs Kathleen Collier now.

Deciding it was best he stayed out of everyone's way; he punched in her date of birth to the security lock to get inside her office. As he shut the door, he looked around almost expecting her to be there. He noticed her high vis jacket on her chair along with their bag. She had been there already this morning to drop off their stuff and sort out some of the paperwork she had left over from yesterday's shift. Jeff walked across the office to the sofa opposite her desk and sat down staring at her empty chair. He would often sit there reading the paper, sleeping or making conversation with her while she did the paper work and the 'management bits'. It seemed odd to him that he was in her office without her being there telling him to shut it so she could concentrate. He smiled as he thought back to what she would say to him.

'_If you don't shut it Jeffrey, I won't get this done which means we will be leaving late and there will be no beer tonight'. _

He slumped into the sofa thinking about the College shooting, the flashbacks, and his guilt over not saving anyone but hiding away. But, he thought of Dixie and how she would react about his cowardliness. He swallowed hard, could he even tell her what really happened? Endless thoughts washed through him, he was a mess and he knew it, he needed her so desperately.

Jeff pulled the medal box out of his pocket and stared at it running his hand over the box. This brought on a fresh wave of tears as he lay down on the sofa crying into a cushion...

_He was thrashing about violently in his sleep, tossing and turning; sweating as the memories of that day came flooding back. He saw the girl fall into his arms, he watched himself drag her into a corridor as two students went to outrun the gunman, he saw himself hold the young girl who was staring blankly at him, he watched himself duck out of the gunman's view. Jeff felt like he was watching everything unfold in front of him, he looked on as he heard the gun shots, looked on as he did nothing. He watched himself get up as he heard Simone call for help before he guided her outside. He felt like he was stood on the perimeter watching the commotion unfold around him outside, he was in shock, and he had done nothing to save or help anyone. What sort of man does that make me? What sort of man have I become? _

It was with this thought that Jeff slowly began to wake up. Even though he was still sleepy, something did not feel right. He was still in Dixie's office and lying on the sofa, but, he had been covered in a blanket and his head was on a cushion. He also noticed that his boots had been taken off. Jeff was confused, he did not remember getting a blanket or taking off his boots, what was going on? Sitting up, he found them placed neatly at the end of the sofa. Jeff wiped his eyes and face before he swung his legs out from under the blanket and onto the floor. He stayed there for a second or two before he looked up. Shock spread across his face and the guilt came back twice as hard as he came face to face with Dixie.

'Princess, how long have you been there?'

'Long enough Jeffrey, Long enough'

He managed to give her a slight smile before turning away from her. He had noticed the stitches above her left eye, the swollen nose and lip; he knew he had done that, he did not want to face up to it, but it was right in front of him and everyone could see it.

'Dix...' He started to say but his voice was shaking, 'Dix, you will never know how sorry I am and ashamed of what I did'.

Dixie continued to stare at her husband, she couldn't be angry with him, he needed her and they both knew it. She knew how sorry he was. Sighing to herself she got up walked around her desk and sat down next to him. Jeff still did not look up at her, he focussed on the floor. Placing an arm around his shoulder, she pulled him in closer placing a soft kiss on his head.

'I think it is about time you told me what is going on, don't you?'


	6. Chapter 6

_**A / N – Another chapter for you. This is from Dixie's POV explaining how she ended up in her office with Jeff. Hope you enjoy! **_

_**BTW – The bit in Italics is a flashback. **_

'Right, Mrs Collier, can you just confirm your first name for me please?'

'Kathleen'

'And your date of birth?'

'17th April 1972'

'I also need to check that you are not pregnant'

Dixie shook her head in response.

'Thank you, now if you could just pop yourself up here and lie down. It is important that you stay looking straight up during the scan and remain completely still. It should not take too long'.

The nurse busied herself with the final preparations making sure Dixie was in the right position for the scan before she left the room. Dixie did not attempt to make idle chatter with her; she merely looked up and focussed on the black dot that was above her head.

As the machine whirled into life, she began to move backwards into the scanner. Her mind was active, very active. It was busy with thoughts, worries, concerns and all were about Jeff. A million questions raced through her as she continued to comprehend what had happened that morning. Deep down she knew he hadn't meant to do it, deep down she knew he needed her, deep down she knew she needed him. She smiled to herself she was always amazed with how she felt about Jeff considering the difference in sexuality. It seemed funny to her that she would spend the rest of her life with a man but did not think that she would have to protect him. Dixie knew that in order to help her husband, he needed to open up to her. But, how was she going to get him to do that?

On the other hand, Dixie was still quite annoyed with Tess and Ruth, their reaction was not helpful and only served to taint Jeff's reputation. She was determined to defend him no matter what it took.

She was soon disturbed from her thoughts as she came out of the scanner to be met by the nurse again who was starting to help her up and off the bed.

'There you go Mrs Collier, all done; I will get Big Mac to take you back to the ED who should have the results in a few minutes for you'

'Thank you' Dixie replied as she moved to leave the room.

Dixie waited outside in the waiting area for Big Mac to arrive and when he did, she gave him a cold reception looking away from him still visibly cross from what he had said to her earlier.

'Dix, about what I said earlier, I did not mean to upset you...' he started but was cut off as Dixie raised her had to signal for him to stop.

'Save it Big Mac, I am not interested in what anyone has to say'

'Fair enough' came the response as he wheeled her back to her cubicle. Before he turned away, he glanced back at her sat on the bed. Big Mac was many things, but heartless wasn't one of them, he cared about people and he could really see the emotional turmoil Dixie was in, he knew how much her and Jeff cared for one another and so decided to speak up once more.

Moving to stand next to her, Big Mac placed his hand on her shoulder and said 'I saw Jeff'. Dixie looked up and straight into his face, worry evident in her eyes.

'And? Is he OK, please tell me he is OK Big Mac'

'He is fine, well, he is not, he is a mess Dix. I know I have made my opinions on his actions towards you clear to both you and him, but you two need each other right now. He drove off in the Ambulance, so, I don't know where he has gone now.'

'I know where he is' Dixie whispered as she smiled at Big Mac before focussing on the floor again.

She seemed to be waiting for an eternity for the results of her scan; she knew her face was in a bad way, she could feel the swollen nose, cut lip and throbbing head but she couldn't not shake the urge to find Jeff.

'OK Dixie, your scan is clear, no problems at all, so you are free to leave' Ruth said as he walked in.

'Good, thank you' Dixie responded getting up off the bed making her way out of the cubicle and into the ED. As she walked out she was aware of people looking at her, pointing at her, whispering about her. She looked around at everyone before she turned to walk towards the exit.

She did not get very far when her path was blocked by Tess. Dixie stopped rolling her eyes 'what is it Tess?'

'Can I have a word please before you go?'

'Just one?'

'Listen, I wanted to let you know I have stopped Ruth reporting Jeff. I think if anyone can help him, it is you. But, I am worried about your wellbeing Dixie, what is he does something similar again?'

'I will be fine Tess; I can look out for myself'. Dixie's tone and body language softened somewhat with relief that Jeff had not been reported. She hoped deep down that they would back off and leave her and Jeff to it.

Giving Tess a smile of thanks, Dixie continued to walk out of the ED.

'OK Collier, where have you gone?' She said to herself noticing their ambulance had gone. It was a little walk to the Ambulance station, but she was confident that is where he would have gone. She knew him only too well; she knew he would want to hide away from everyone in the hopes that he would not have to face up to what had happened.

As she began her walk, Dixie pulled out her phone to check her messages. She smiled at the wall paper and ran her finger over it. She remembered taking that photo; it was taken on their first wedding anniversary. Jeff had booked a surprise weekend for both of them in Paris, and had dropped the bombshell out of nowhere one night:

'_Dix, I think we need a break' Jeff stated out of the blue as Dixie was cooking dinner. It took a few seconds for her to comprehend what he had said before she spun round on her foot to face him. _

'_What do you mean a break?' she asked. 'What are you up to Jeffrey?' _

'_Well, nothing much, I just think we need to get away that's all. We have been working endlessly and we need a holiday'. _

'_We cannot just go away, who will take Lil Abs? What about arranging cover? You really are irresponsible sometimes, anyway, what makes you think I want to go on a holiday with you? I might want to meet a gorgeous girl and take her with me'. _

_Ignoring her comment, Jeff got up from the kitchen table; walking over to her he placed two tickets to Paris in her hand. Dixie was speechless; she read the tickets twice looking up at her husband who was smiling at her. _

'_Come with me to Paris Mrs Collier' _

_Dixie did not know what to say to him, she never thought she would be spending her time with a man and be so contented, but this man was different. _

Running her finger again over his smile, she put her phone back into her pocket as she approached Ambulance HQ. She knew he had gone here, and that was confirmed when she saw their car and ambulance parked up.

Dixie kept her head down as she walked briskly though the corridor not wanting to look at any of the Paramedics or Technicians that she met on the way to her office. Punching in her date of birth, she slowly opened the door to find the sleeping form of Jeff on the sofa.

Dixie walked in shutting the door behind her taking a moment to look at him. She could tell he had been crying again, she could tell he was exhausted. Not wanting to disturb him, she slipped off his boots and wrapped him up before making her way to her desk to sit and watch him.

Dixie had to suppress the urge to go over and comfort him as he started to groan and thrash about. She knew he was relieving the memories of the day at the college and she knew he had to go through this if he was ever to open up and talk about it. As much as it hurt her to watch him in that state, it was for the best.

She looked on as Jeff slowly woke up and took in his surroundings coming face to face with him across the room.

'Princess, how long have you been there?'

'Long enough Jeffrey, Long enough'

Jeff managed to give her a slight smile before turning away from her. Dixie sensed he had noticed the stitches above her left eye, her swollen nose and lip; she knew that he knew he had done that.

'Dix...' She noticed how his voice was shaking; he was still clearly very emotional. 'Dix, you will never know how sorry I am and ashamed of what I did'.

Dixie continued to stare at her husband, she couldn't be angry with him, he needed her and they both knew it. She knew how sorry he was. Sighing to herself she got up walked around her desk and sat down next to him. Jeff still did not look up at her, he focussed on the floor. Placing an arm around his shoulder, she pulled him in closer placing a soft kiss on his head.

'I think it is about time you told me what is going on, don't you?'

Jeff relaxed into the embrace placing his arms around her waist and head on her shoulder. He still did not know what to say to her or even where he would start, but just having her beside him, having her hold him was enough for now.


	7. Chapter 7

**A / N – Thank you for the kind reviews of my story so far. I am glad people are reading it. **

'Yeah, I will, thanks again Pol and we will see you in a few days time...I will tell him, don't worry...yeah, everything will be fine...OK, see ya'

Dixie hung up her phone and rested her head back on top of Jeff's. They had not moved from the sofa for a good twenty minutes and he still hadn't said anything to her. Dixie knew that it was going to be hard for him to talk to her about the College shooting as well as realise his feelings, but she knew neither of them could work their shift today or even tomorrow. She had decided to phone Polly and Stevie to arrange for them to come in and cover them while she and Jeff got sorted.

'Polly and Stevie are going to cover our shift today and tomorrow, but it does mean we will need to work this weekend' Dixie told Jeff as she placed her arm around his shoulders again.

'Thanks Dix'

'Shall we go home?' She asked thinking that talking about things in her office wasn't not the best place especially if Jeff got upset. She did not want Polly or any of their colleagues to see Jeff in this state.

Jeff merely nodded in response as he lifted his head up off her shoulder, he still did not look at her though, and he couldn't bring himself to look at what he had done. He was still ashamed of himself for so many things, would she really forgive him?

Half an hour later Jeff was sat on the sofa at home, he was holding the medal in his hands looking at it in its box. A million thoughts raced through his mind, a million questions:

What have I done?

Why didn't I save them?

Why did I hide?

Why did I beat up that patient?

Why did I lash out at her?

What kind of man am I?

Why did they give me a medal?

Would Dixie understand what I did?

Will she forgive me for hurting her?

Will she still want me?

Will she still love me?

Tears were falling from his eyes as he continued to rub the medal. He was trying to rationalise his feelings, his guilt, his pain, his anger, but he couldn't make sense of anything, he was confused, he was scared.

'Hey mate' he heard Dixie say as she placed two mugs of tea on the table before sitting next to him taking his head in her hands bringing his eyes to look straight into hers.

For the first time since they had been home, Jeff studied her face, his eyes were sore and blurry as tears continued to fall but despite her injuries he saw nothing but concern in her eyes. He raised his hand to touch her face; he traced his fingers over the cut above her eye, her swollen nose and lips. Slowly he pulled his hand down until it was on her leg, still staring into her eyes.

'You OK mate?' She asked him taking one hand away from his face to rub his arm. Jeff couldn't take it anymore, the tears fell uncontrollably from his eyes and his whole body began to shake as he sobbed. Dixie pulled him closer cradling him in her arms rubbing circles on his back and head in attempts to soothe him. Jeff simply cried into her shoulder wrapping his arms around her waist holding her tightly.

'What have I done Dix?' He said as he continued to cry into her shoulder.

'Oh Love, it will be OK, trust me, it is never as bad as you think it is. I just want to help you; I cannot stand seeing you like this Jeff.' She answered as she continued to hold him against her attempting to calm the man down.

'I don't deserve help'

'Nonsense, of course you do, why would you say a silly thing like that?'

'You don't understand Dix'

'Try me' Dixie said looking Jeff in the eyes as their hug came to an end. He lent back into the sofa rubbing his eyes with his hands in an attempt to wipe the tears away before closing the box and placing it next to his mug. Dixie took a sip of her tea before turning to face Jeff letting him know he had her full attention.

'I am not the person they think I am' Jeff started looking away from her as he did so, he was still so full of shame that he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with her.

'I didn't save anyone that day, I walked through the corridor and heard the screams, the gun shots and I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was rooted to the spot then all of a sudden a girl came crashing out of the doors and knocked into me. She was bleeding heavily and I could see her eyes glazing over...'

'It's OK mate, take your time' Dixie encouraged her husband as she placed a hand on top of his giving it a light squeeze.

'I can remember talking to her, telling her to stay with me, her name was Miriam. I heard a door fling open and saw two people run down the corridor, I panicked Dix, I didn't know what to do, so I dragged her back into another corridor and turned off the light'

Jeff closed his eyes for a second reliving the memory he had shared with Dixie, he could see Miriam's lifeless eyes looking back at him as he held her, he could see the face of Devlin O Connor walking down the corridor looking for Simone and her boyfriend. Jeff watched as he saw himself hide away, he didn't do anything to help anyone especially Miriam, he let her die.

'I didn't save anyone that day and now they want to give me a medal for being a coward'

'A girl died in your arms, how were you supposed to react'

'I could have done something, I could have stopped him, I could have...'

'What is this Rambo three? He would have shot you like he shot the girl like he shot the rest of them'

'So what was I supposed to do, run? Hide? ... hide'

Jeff sank lower into the sofa as fresh tears filled his eyes once more. Dixie still had his hand in hers, she moved from holding it to rubbing the back of it. She knew this was causing him emotional pain, but he needed to talk about it if he was ever going to move on from it.

'I heard the gun shots again, I knew he had shot someone else, the next thing I know, Simone is shouting for help and that's when I brought her out. I hate myself Dix, I really do. How can I call myself a man? I am nothing but a coward who let people die'

'Stop this Jeff, you are only human. You couldn't have done anything else.'

Jeff merely nodded in response giving her a brief smile before looking at the floor again. Guilt still consumed him; he needed to pay for what he had done to that patient and to her. Hurting his hand wasn't enough; he needed to accept the consequences for his actions.

Fidgeting with his bandage, he looked at the floor, 'Dix'

'Yeah'

'I want you to report me to the Ambulance Trust'

'Jeff have you gone completely mad? After what you have just told me, you cannot be serious?'

Jeff looked up and straight into her blue eyes, 'I am, I shouldn't have taken my anger out on that patient and I should not have lashed out at you, I need to face up to what I have done, please Dix, do this for me'

'I can't love, please don't make me, I can't do that to you.'

'C'mon Dix, you know it is the right thing to do'.


	8. Chapter 8

Dixie sat at the kitchen table staring at the phone. It has been an hour since Jeff had asked her to report him and she still hadn't picked up the phone. She was torn between what to do, she knew he was right, he had to be reported, but she couldn't do it, not to him. She kept on going over the conversation in her mind in the hopes it will help her decide what to do for the best...

_FLASHBACK _

'_Dix' _

'_Yeah' _

'_I want you to report me to the Ambulance Trust' _

'_Jeff have you gone completely mad? After what you have just told me, you cannot be serious?' _

_Jeff looked up and straight into her blue eyes, 'I am, I shouldn't have taken my anger out on that patient and I should not have lashed out at you, I need to face up to what I have done, please Dix, do this for me' _

'_I can't love, please don't make me, I can't do that to you.' _

'_C'mon Dix, you know it is the right thing to do'._

'_Jeff, no, I am not going to, you need help granted, but not like this' _

'_Princess look what I did to you! Look what I did to that Patient!' _

'_Mate you are showing all the signs of PTSD, getting you suspended is not going to help you deal with that.' _

'_Dix, please, I'm begging you. I need to face up to what I have done; I need to start being more of a man about this. I cannot hide away from this anymore.' Taking her hands in his, Jeff looked her straight into her eyes, 'You know it is the right thing to do Babe, be strong for me Dix'. _

_It was now Dixie's turn to cry; it was now her turn to have the questions. _

'_What if you lost your job? What if they decided not to reinstate you? What will you do then? Jeff, how will we survive, we cannot live off just my salary. We...' Dixie didn't get to finish as Jeff placed his fingers over her lips signalling for her to stop. _

'_Report me Dix, we will deal with the outcome together, like we always do.' He said as he got up, kissed her on the forehead and headed for the door with Lil Abs on the lead. _

The more she thought about it, the more she realised just how adamant he was at being reported. She was worried though, worried for him and what he would do with himself while he was off work as well as what he would do if he didn't get reinstated. She worried about money, worried about his mental well being, she worried now about a lot of things. The pain in her head was back again, it was so intense she found herself running for the kitchen sink barely making it in time as she vomited. Wiping her mouth she was shaking as she sunk down onto the kitchen floor holding her head as it continued to throb.

That's where Jeff found her as he returned with the dog, running over to sit in front of her; he moved her hands away from her face taking her head into his hands once more. He noticed how pale she looked; she was clearly exhausted and needed to rest. Without saying anything to her, he once again lifted her up and carried her through to the living room where he placed her down on the sofa. Dixie didn't have the energy to do anything, but as soon as Jeff picked her up, she fell asleep in his arms.

Jeff sat with her while she slept, he did not leave her side. He was worried incase she was sick again and choked in her own vomit. He knew her head was hurting and him offloading to her probably only added to it. He wondered if she had contacted the trust yet, he thought about what he would do while he was off work, jobs around the house needed doing, so he guessed he would start there. He was worried though, what if she was right? What if they decided not to reinstate me? What will I do then? Once more he was filled with sadness and guilt...I have let her down again.

Dixie stirred about an hour later wondering how she got from the kitchen to the sofa, her head was still aching but at least she didn't feel sick. As she slowly sat up, she felt an arm lift her, turning slightly her gaze met Jeff's who was helping her up.

'You OK Princess? Feel better for your sleep?'

'Think so, my head still hurts a bit, but I think I will be OK. What time is it?'

'Six thirty. I was thinking of ordering in a takeaway tonight, I cannot be bothered to cook and I certainly do not want you standing in the Kitchen either.'

'OK mate, so what shall we have?'

'Pizza?' Dixie nodded in response as Jeff picked up the phone and placed their order. Once he had hung up, she turned towards the dog giving him a stroke as she said 'I couldn't do it Jeff, I couldn't phone the trust.'

Jeff moved off the arm of the sofa to sit next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder he pulled her over to him. 'That's OK, let's not think about it tonight, we can talk more in the morning'.

Dixie rested her head against his chest, 'I can't do it Jeff, and I can't report you. I want to help you, reporting you will not do that.'

'If you do, the trust will have to accept the fact that I will need some form of counselling to help with the PTSD. At least that way, I will get some professional help. You are helping me Dix, you are helping me accept what has happened and are helping me deal and move on with it.'

Dixie knew he was right, but she did not want to think about it anymore tonight. She just wanted to relax with Jeff in front of the TV and enjoy his company.

The evening was good, it was like they were back to how they were before the shooting. It was hard to think that at the start of the day they were at a Memorial Service for the students who had lost their lives; it was also hard to think that earlier on in the day Jeff had lashed out before breaking down about what had happened. It had been a whirlwind of a day for both of them, physically and emotionally. That in itself led them to an early night, Dixie was shattered after her injury and Jeff was exhausted emotionally after reliving the events of that day.

Dixie had just got into bed when she heard Jeff knock at her door.

'Yeah' she called out

'Can I come in?'

'Yep'

Jeff slowly opened her door and walked in closing it behind him before he walked around her bed to the other side.

'What is it Jeffrey?'

Jeff looked nervous, 'Can I stay here with you? I don't think you should be on your own after hitting your head and I don't really want to be alone either.'

Dixie rolled her eyes at him before moving over and pulling back the duvet for him to get in. In truth, she didn't want to be on her own either, she was happy and contented that Jeff had opened up to her, that he trusted her and that whatever happened with the ambulance trust, they would still be friends at the end of it all. It was with that thought that they both fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

The sun shone through the curtains the following morning waking Jeff up with a little bit of a start, he slowly rubbed his eyes as he turned to face the window. His bedroom was the other side of the landing, so it didn't get much sun in the morning, however, he enjoyed the light breaking through the curtains lighting up Dixie's room. For the first time in six weeks, he smiled at the thought of a new day; he really did feel a lot better than he had done. He had slept solidly through the night and was refreshed and ready for the day ahead. He felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, he had finally opened up about the college and he felt better about it, although he still felt guilty over burdening Dixie with it and asking her to report him. He knew she didn't want to do it, but he knew she had to.

Gently, Jeff turned over to face her; she was still asleep but was lying on her side facing him. He realised that she had her arm around his waist; he tried to move in such a way that he didn't wake her, or move her arm, she obviously found comfort in having him there. Jeff lay there staring at her feeling himself well up as he took in her bruised features. The black eye had come out and the cut above it looked sore, the swelling on her nose and lip had started to go down but the bruises were apparent for all to see. With his left hand, he traced over her nose and lips before bushing her hair back off her face. He lay there for sometime looking at her all the time contemplating what had happened and what could happen. He was sure of one thing; he would never let her down or hurt her in any way ever again.

He was quickly dragged out of his own thoughts when he heard scratching at the door, knowing that Lil Abs wanted out, Jeff slowly got up and out of bed gently placing Dixie's arm on the sheets before he left her room.

As he led the dog down the landing, he stopped at his bedroom to grab his dressing gown before he descended the stairs into the back garden. He lent up against the door while Lil Abs wondered the garden sniffing everything and anything, his thoughts turned back to Dixie, her face and the ambulance trust. He had thought about what he would do while he was suspended, the garden needed sorting out, the lounge needed painting, the garage was a tip and he needed to fix the shelf in the bathroom, he wondered how long it would take him to do these jobs, but he was determined to make it up to Dixie somehow.

'Morning' came Dixie's voice from behind him making the man jump.

'You scared the life out of me... morning princess, did you sleep well?' he asked as he lent down and kissed her on the cheek.

'Yeah, think so. You?'

'Yeah, I did actually. Fancy a cup of tea?'

'Yes please love.'

Jeff moved away from the door over to the kettle while Dixie took up his previous spot watching the dog.

'How's your head?' Jeff tentatively asked as he finished making the two mugs of tea.

'It's OK, a little sore but I will live,...cheers love'.

Jeff stood opposite his wife at the back door as they both watched their dog move around the garden. It brought a smile to Dixie's face which Jeff noticed immediately.

'Wanna share Princess?'

'I was just thinking, it must be great to be a dog, no worries, and no ties, just saunter around. Why can't life be like that for everyone?'

Jeff looked away from his wife and dog as he moved to stare at the floor. 'Dix, you need to phone them you know.'

'I know, but I don't want to.'

'You have to; if it wasn't me you would have done it without a second thought. You would have done your crust at them, called the trust, and reported them, job done. 'Placing his mug down on the worktop and taking hers off her, Jeff took hold of her hands in his and looked straight into her eyes. 'Dix, you need to report me.'

Dixie stared straight back into his eyes, she could see the worry and guilt in them but she could also see how determined he was in what he said to her. She didn't say anything; she simply gave him a small nod. Smiling back at her with reassurance that everything will be OK, Jeff let go of her hands and called the dog back in.

Two hours later, Dixie was back at the kitchen table again with the phone in her hand, Jeff was sat beside her, she turned to face him once more before she dialled the number of the Trust, Jeff looked back, gave her a nod and a smile before he rested his head on her shoulder.

'Whatever happens, we will get through it Dix, you know that don't you?'

'Yeah, but it is so hard.'

'You need to do it; it is protocol, no matter who it is.'

Jeff was right, as he often was and with that she picked up the phone and dialled the number. It seemed to ring out for an eternity before she heard the voice on the other end.

'Ambulance Trust HR, Kelly speaking, how may I help you?'

'Hello, my name is Kath Collier; I am the Operational Duty manager at Holby.' Dixie paused; Jeff sensed she was having second thoughts so he placed his hand on her leg giving it a light pat letting her know it was OK to continue.

'I need to report a member of my team for misconduct.'

'OK, Mrs Collier, could you give me some more details please? When you say misconduct, what do you mean by this?'

Dixie swallowed hard before she spoke again, 'He was seen attacking a patient outside the ED the other day.'

'Right, so we are talking assault then?'

'Guess so, but I think you ought to know that this member of crew has recently gone through a traumatic experience which has left him suffering with PTSD, well, that's what I think.'

'I am going to need this person's name Mrs Collier if I am going to be able to process this.'

'Jeff...Jeffrey Collier...my husband.' Dixie could feel herself welling up as she said his name, a tear trickled down her face, and she was cross with herself for phoning them. She should have stood her ground with Jeff and told him she was not going to phone, but, at the same time, she had to report him before anyone else did.

'I understand that making this phone call is very hard for you especially as it is your husband we are now talking about. You say you think he has PTSD, could you elaborate on that please?'

Dixie could hear Kelly typing on her computer on the other end, taking in a deep breath, she told Kelly of the incident at the college and what Jeff had witnessed. She also told her about the patient that he attacked and how he was playing on Jeff's emotional state of mind at the time. Dixie finished off by requesting a therapist for Jeff so he could talk through his feelings and worries with a professional. She hoped this would go in his favour for when he went to his Review Panel.

'OK Mrs Collier, we are going to have to suspend your husband from operational duty, he is not allowed to go near the Ambulance HQ during his suspension. He will be on full pay for the period of his suspension depending on the outcome of the Review Panel. We will write to him to let him know the conditions of his suspension and the date of his Review Panel. I will arrange for him to see the Trust Therapist, she will be in contact with him in the next 24 hours with an appointment. I understand how hard this was for you, but procedure needed to be followed here, are you able to tell him?'

'Yes, that's fine, I can tell him. Thank you.' Dixie replied as she hung up the phone. Placing it down on the table, she realised just how much she was shaking at what she had just done, but Jeff had not left her side. His head was still on her shoulder and his hand was still on her leg.

'They have suspended me haven't they?' he muttered.

'Yeah, sorry mate. They said they will write to you with a date for your review panel. Also, a therapist will be calling you soon to arrange an appointment.'

'Well done Princess, and thank you.'

'I just hope it turns out good in the end and that everything will be alright.'

'Everything will be fine Dix, trust me.'


	10. Chapter 10

Saturday seemed to come round a little too quickly for Jeff's liking. Yet again he was up early, stood in the kitchen with the dog munching through his bowl of food. Jeff, on the other hand, was facing the calendar on the wall. Dixie had written in their shifts so they knew what they were doing, it was easier to plan things knowing they both worked the same shift, however, it was all change now. Jeff studied the week ahead seeing when Dixie was working, she was on today; he knew that as well as tomorrow. The rest of the week didn't look much better; she was working up until Wednesday morning solidly. He had five days without her to fill while he was suspended, but had made a pact with himself. Even though he wasn't on duty, he would follow the same pattern as her. He promised himself he would get up with her, take her to work, collect her at the end of the shift and bring her home. In a way, he wanted to keep that bit of his routine the same; it provided some sort of security to him.

He hadn't shared this plan with Dixie though, she would only tell him to take a break, have a lie in and just relax, but, he wasn't going to do that. Jeff still felt that he had let her down and was determined to make it up to her, he wanted to show he could get over the trauma he had suffered and was back to the old Jeff again.

His letter from the trust had arrived the day before, Dixie had written his Review Panel date on the calendar as well, it was in three weeks time. He remembered how his heart sank as he read the letter out loud to her when it arrived.

'_Three weeks, what the bloody hell am I going to do for three weeks?' _

'_I dunno, watch TV, play football, walk the dog, sleep?' _

'_Dix, are you taking the piss?' _

'_No' _

'_Seriously though Princess, I am going to go mental being stuck here for three weeks by myself.' _

'_But you won't be, you will have Lil Abs. Anyway, I am sure you will enjoy not having me around every second of the day Enjoy the time to yourself Jeffrey' Dixie called back as she left the room to write the date on the calendar. _

'At least I now have a therapist appointment to keep me entertained for some of it' Jeff said out loud before looking over at the dog catching the time on the clock.

'Right mate, I think it is time your mummy got up, we don't want her being late do we?' Jeff patted the dog on his head before taking a mug of tea upstairs to wake Dixie.

It was 6am and she was due to start a 12 hour shift in an hour and a half so Jeff knew she needed to hurry up when he knocked on her bedroom door.

'Dixie' he called waiting for a sound to come from behind the door before he slowly opened it venturing in to give her the tea.

'Morning princess, time to get up I am afraid.' Jeff was soft in how he spoke to her as he moved around her bed to place the mug on her bedside table before sitting on the end.

'What time is it?' came her croaky voice.

'Six. C'mon, you need to get ready; you start work in n hour and a half.'

Dixie managed a smile at her husband before he left her to get ready for work. He kept to his promise of driving her to work, as he wasn't allowed to drive into Ambulance HQ, he had to pull up on the road outside.

'Right, see you in 12 hours then.' Dixie said as she moved to get out of the car.

'Yeah, have a good shift wont you and let me know if you need anything.'

'Will do mate.' She called as she closed the door and walked away.

Jeff again was filed with sadness and guilt. I should be walking in with her. I should be working with her. I shouldn't have beaten up that patient. I shouldn't have got myself suspended. He waited a few minutes before driving off returning home thinking about how he was going to spend the next 12 hours without his best friend by his side. As he drove home, he thought back to the last time they worked different shifts, they only did it once, and Dixie had a hospital appointment about her asthma and needed to work earlier, Jeff hated it although he never voiced that to Dixie, she would only laugh at him. No matter how mad she drives him, he only wanted to work with her.

As Jeff pulled up on the drive, his thoughts were turned to what he would do with himself. It was just after 8am, he knew he would need to leave at 7 to go and get Dixie, so he worked out he had 11 hours to fill, but with what?

'First things first, a cuppa and a read of the paper' he said to himself unlocking the front door greeting a confused looking Lil Abs who had already made himself at home on the sofa. However, it wasn't long before Jeff's thoughts turned to Dixie and what she was going to be doing on her shift with Dom. He wondered how many RTC's she would attend how many domestics and hoax calls she would get. Jeff wondered what sort of mood she would be in when he picked her up.

'Blimey, she has only been gone two hours and I am already thinking about her.' He thought. It was fair to say he was lost without her so proceeded to keep himself busy.

Jeff felt he needed to make things up to her; he needed to make up for lashing out at her, so, by lunch time he had fixed the shelf in the bathroom and put up the new bathroom cabinet. He had also put up the mirror in Dixie's room before turning his attention to sorting out the junk in the garage.

It was almost as if he was de-cluttering his mind as he sorted through boxes of his old stuff and Dixie's old things making space in the garage for the car. He came across old photos of his children and Dixie's parents along with them on their wedding day.

'Blimey, haven't we changed' he thought placing them into a small box to take back into the house. 'These need to be on display.'

Jeff was pleased with what he had achieved on his own; he had left a pile of rubbish in the middle of the garage. He didn't want to take them to the tip incase Dixie wanted to keep anything, so, he decided they would go through it in the morning before she started on a late shift. Looking at his watch, it read 5.45pm; he only had another hour to kill before he went to get Dixie and he couldn't wait.

Even though day one of his suspension had passed without too much incident, he wondered just how long it would last before he was climbing the walls with boredom, but for now, he was content in knowing Dixie would be home soon.

_**A / N – Not the greatest update, but I hope you enjoyed it. **_


	11. Chapter 11

Jeff couldn't sleep, he felt guilty over what had happened between him and Dixie that night. His review panel was in two days time and he had had enough. He had been stuck at home for the last few weeks and was bored, demoralised and grouchy. He had kept with his promise of getting up with Dixie, taking her to work and picking her up, he craved the normality, the routine, and now he had spoilt it. He had spent the last few days pacing around the house for 12 hours, there was nothing to do. He had done the gardens, washed the car, cleaned out the garage, finished the odd DIY jobs and redecorated the Lounge. He had even done all the cleaning, cooking and washing. Now the review panel was just around the corner, it was preying on his mind. But, that was no reason to take it out on her.

He hit the pillow next to him as he thought back over the nights events, he had promised never to let her down again and to get through this, but, yet again, he had broken that. She was cross with him and she had god reason to be.

_**FLASHBACK **_

_Jeff was parked up opposite the ambulance bay waiting for Dixie to come out. She finished her shift 20 minutes ago but hadn't come out to the car. _

'_What the bloody hell is she doing in there?' Jeff thought to himself getting annoyed at having to wait around for her. He flipped out his phone and wrote a text to her: _

_I am still outside waiting for you. What are you doing? J _

_Finally he saw her walk out with her phone in her hand; she was reading his text as she got into the car. _

'_Where have you been? I have been sat here waiting for you for ages?' Jeff snapped at a tired and shocked looking Dixie. _

'_Sorry, I needed to send off the payroll forms, the fax was playing up.'_

'_And you couldn't have done that sooner?' Jeff snapped as he turned the key in the ignition and started to drive them home. Dixie didn't reply, she merely stared out of the window as they moved through the streets of Holby. She wasn't really thinking of much, well; she was thinking about Jeff, the last few days had been hard for them. He was bored and fed up, she knew he was worrying about his review panel and so was she. _

'_YOU STUPID IDIOT, IT IS A NO RIGHT TURN YOU PLUM!' Jeff shouted at the driver who had just cut them up forcing him to slam on the breaks. _

'_Calm down sweetheart. You don't want to give yourself a heart attack.' _

_Jeff shot her a glare before starting the journey again. The rest of which was spent in silence before they got home. Walking in the front door, Dixie patted the dog before heading into the kitchen followed by a grumpy Jeff. _

'_So, what you been up to today?' She asked as she put the kettle on. _

'_Oh, I have saved four lives, solved the debt crisis and reclassified Pluto as a planet.'_

'_No need to be likes that, I was only asking.'_

'_Yeah, and I am only telling.' _

'_Mate, I don't know what has got into you, but you need to snap out of it.'_

'_Snap out of it? Are you serious love? What the bloody hell do you think I have been doing all day? It is not like I can work is it? Not like I have anything to do? Oh no, it's alright for you, swanning off to do your shifts, coming back to dinner being cooked, your washing done, me running around after you, clearing up your mess.'_

'_Jeff…'_

'_What now, are you going to tell me off? Are you going to tell me to stop behaving like a child and get over it? Are you going to stand there and try to tell me that everything will be alright? Save it Dix, I am not interested in anything you have to say.' _

'_Have you finished your tantrum?' _

'_Oh you would like that wouldn't you, me to shut up and leave you in peace. Shall I just disappear? Shall I go to the pub and get hammered? What exactly would you like me to do Dix?' _

'_Jeff…' _

'_Do you know what, I have done everything around this house, everything you have asked me to do I have done. I am not your slave.' _

'_I never said you were, Jeff, you know I am grateful for what you have done. I know you are climbing the walls in boredom, and I know you are worrying about the panel. Everything will be OK, they will reinstate you and before you know it, we will be back on shift together.' Dixie moved closer to her husband in the hopes to reassure him some more, but he was having none of it. _

'_Get off me, don't touch me. What if I don't want to work with you anymore? It's not like I can trust you is it? It is all your fault that we are in the mess.' _

'_My fault, how did you figure that one out?' _

'_If you hadn't have phoned HR then I wouldn't have been suspended.' _

'_Hang on a minute, you were the one who told me to phone HR, you practically begged me to.'_

'_Well, you didn't have to. I would have expected a little bit more support from you, but no. You are just like the rest of them. You just want me out of the way so you can get on with your life. You don't care about me. I am just a burden to you ain't I? Not once have you asked how I am, how the therapy is going. Not once.' _

'_What do you mean by that? Jeff you know I support you, you know I care about you, why are you saying this?' _

'_BECAUSE I BLAME YOU FOR THIS' Jeff blurted this last bit out at his wife who looked back at him. He realised he shouldn't have said it as shock spread over her face. _

'_Dix, I am sorry, I shouldn't have…..' it was too late, tears falling down her face she brought her right hand back and slapped him on the cheek causing him to stagger backwards into the worktop bringing his hand up to touch where she had hit him. He knew he deserved it, he knew he had gone too far. _

'_How dare you blame me for this? Have you forgotten what you did to that patient? What you did to me? I have always been here for you Jeff always shall and always will and this is how you repay me? I stopped Ruth and Tess reporting you, I told Big Mac to keep his opinions to himself; I stuck up for you in that ED. I appreciate this is hard for you at the moment, but, how dare you swing this back onto me.' Dixie was crying, she was so cross with him it was unbelievable. After everything and he had to say that to her. _

'_Dix, let me…..' _

'_No Jeff, forget it, I don't want to look at you anymore tonight. You can sleep in your own room,, I don't want you anywhere near me.' Dixie left the kitchen crying as she ran up the stairs, leaving Jeff stood in the kitchen rubbing his cheek listening to her cry. _

Jeff lay on his back bringing his had up to touch his face again, it was still tender from where she hit him, he pressed down onto his check to feel more pain, he had really hurt her with what he said and in his mind, being slapped across the face was not enough for him.

'I need to put this right.' He said to an empty room as he threw the covers off and got out of bed. He was going to go to her in her room and apologise. His therapist had warned him that he could suffer with mood swings and take things out on the people he cares about, but he never thought he would. Jeff thought things were getting better for him, but, in truth, he was denying his fears over the review panel, over his future as a paramedic.

Slowly and quietly he opened his bedroom door so not to wake the dog that was sleeping in his basket just outside, he tiptoed across the landing to Dixie's room stopping just outside as he heard muffled sounds.

A new wave of guilt came over him; Dixie was still awake and still crying. Jeff had never seen her emotional before. She was always strong; she was always the one that was there for him. He hadn't seen her cry since her Dad died earlier on in the year, but now, she was an emotional wreck and he knew he had caused that.

'Dix', Jeff said quietly as he knocked on her door.

'Go away I told you I didn't want to look at you anymore.'

'Dix, please.'

'No Jeffrey, go away and leave me alone.'

Jeff's heart sank, what have I done now? Why do I keep doing this to her? Have I gone one step too far this time? Is this it for us? I have to make this right, I don't care what she says, I am going to make this right. Jeff opened her bedroom door to be greeted with Dixie sitting upright in her bed hugging her knees. Her blonde hair was tied back but had started to fall out, her eyes were red and her face was blotchy from all the tears she had shed. She looked up and into his face, she was a mess and she knew it. On the other hand, she was still angry with him.

'I said go away.'

'I know that's what you said, but I am not going anywhere. The only place I am going is right beside you.'

Jeff quickly closed her bedroom door and moved across the room to climb onto her bed next to her. Dixie looked up and into his face, he could see how much she was hurting and this made him sad. Taking her into his arms, he pulled her into a close hug.

'I am sorry babe, I really am. I shouldn't have said I blamed you because I don't, I blame myself and only me.'

'Then why did you say it?'

'I am bored Dix, I miss working, I miss spending my days with you. It is my fault I got suspended, I need to recognise that. My therapist says that once I accept things, I can begin to move on from them.'

'I shouldn't have hit you.'

'I deserved it; I probably deserved a lot more.'

Dixie looked up at Jeff and ran her hand over his cheek, it was still red with a visible hand print there for all to see. Jeff winced as she made contact with it, he had made it hurt again so it was tender. Looking into her eyes he could see her upset, her worry, her concern and her guilt. Taking her hand in his, Jeff stared her straight into her deep blue eyes as tears formed in his own.

'I am worried Dix, I am worried if after all this time they don't reinstate me.'

Dixie didn't quite know what to say to him as it was now her turn to pull him into a hug. Placing a kiss on his cheek she smiled at him hoping that the reassurance would help.

'For now Mr Collier, I think we need some sleep. We can talk about this in the morning before I go to work.'

'Yeah, guess so, goodnight princess, I will see you in the morning.' Jeff got up off the bed as Dixie moved over and lay down. He made his way over to the door before he was stopped.

'Where you going?'

'Back to my room.'

'Get in Mr Collier.' She said as she pulled the covers back for him to come back.

'We are starting to make a habit of this Mrs Collier.'

'Don't get too used to it, once you are reinstated, that's it, back to your own room. I don't think I could put up with you snoring for much longer.'

'My snoring, you should hear yourself, it's like a thunder storm.'

'Charming.'

'Sleep tight Princess, I am so sorry and I promise, I will never let you down again.'

'Never say never Jeffrey. Goodnight.'


	12. Chapter 12

_**A / N – So, the next couple of chapters will deal with the Review Panel as well as Dixie and Jeff's reactions to it. Here, I have taken the lead from a conversation in Series 25 episode 11 as a starting point but move away to another conversation between Dixie and Polly. Hopefully this will start to give you an insight as to what is going on in Dixie's head. **_

'Hi, it's me, do you fancy some dinner?' Jeff asked as he pulled the hot carton out of the microwave dropping it onto the worktop.

'You doing deliveries now?'

'May as well, cooked it, don't want it. Let's face it; I've got nothing else on.'

'Well you could clean the bathroom, put the bins out, and put a load of washing on.' Dixie replied as she walked across the ambulance bay balancing her phone on her shoulder whilst holding two cups of tea, one of which she gave to Polly who was cleaning the trolley.

'I got suspended Dix not reassigned as your personal slave.'

'They're merely suggestions Jeffrey.' She replied sitting on the step of the ambulance.

'Well, I've got a suggestion for you. Do you fancy picking me up, only for an hour or so? I won't touch anything promise. I'm going nuts here.' Jeff said sitting down at the table in the kitchen.

'No, no way Jeffrey, get some sleep, night night.'

'No Dix, don't hang up….. Dix please….Dix.' but she had already gone leaving Jeff sat at home on his own with nothing but a microwave meal for company.

Over the other side of Holby, Dixie had hung up her phone and sat looking at Jeff on her wallpaper.

'You do realise it is his review panel in the morning don't you?' Polly asked.

'All the more reason he should stay away from the pointy end until they give him the all clear.'

'If that's what they do.' Polly replied moving to wipe the trolley once more.

Dixie didn't respond to that, she continued to look at her phone and Jeff's smile wondering to herself if he would ever get that back. Letting out a sigh, she returned her phone to her pocket taking a sip from her tea. This didn't go unnoticed by Polly. Although Polly was a lot younger than Jeff and Dixie, she was someone who had her head screwed on properly often giving them good advice when they needed it. She was a good listener if ever they needed to let off steam and she knew she could talk to them about anything. Since being partnered with Dixie while Jeff was off, she noticed that Dixie hadn't been herself for the past couple of days, concerned about her friend, Polly decided to continue.

'How has he been?'

'Well, you know Jeff; everything's fine till it isn't.' Dixie replied, 'He is bored, fed up and bloody grouchy.'

'Can you blame him though; it has been three weeks since his suspension.'

'And you dot think I know that?' Dixie snapped back at the young technician.

'Dix, I only meant that it is no wonder he is bored, he has been off a long time.' Polly finished wiping off the trolley and moved to lean up against the ambulance. 'Dixie, don't think I am prying, but, is everything OK between you two?'

'Yeah, we are fine. Don't worry about us sweetheart, we have been through worse. Anyway, how are you? How is it going with Jay?'

Polly remained unconvinced by Dixie's response even more so when she changed the subject to her and Jay. She knew Dixie was hiding something, she knew Dixie well enough to know she was lying.

'Dix, don't change the subject, what is it? What is going on?'

Dixie shrugged her shoulders staring at the floor. 'I dunno Pol. You know that we have been through some tough times together over the years. He helped me get back on track when I hit Sammy Malone, he was there for me when my Dad died, I helped him as best I could when Lucy divorced him and took the children. He has been there for me all the time, whenever I needed him, he was there. The one time he really needed me, I feel like I have let him down. He needed me and I let him down.'

'Dixie, you haven't let him down. You have been there for him constantly, you comforted him after the shooting, you tried to get him to talk to you and eventually he did...'

'Yeah, after he hit me in the ED and knocked me out.' Dixie interrupted the young girl.

'Oh come on, you know he didn't mean it.'

'I know that, you know that, he knows that, but do the others know that? No, all I get every time I walk into that ED now is people staring. People looking me up and down, people staring at my face to see if I have any more cuts or bruises. Have you seen how Tess tries to get a look at my arms as I am handing a patient over? It is almost as if she is looking for marks and bruises.'

'They are just worried about you. What Jeff did was totally out of character, they know something is up with him and you of all people will get to the bottom of it.'

'How exactly have I helped him though?' Dixie asked looking up into Polly's face as her eyes began to fill up with fresh tears. She seemed to be crying over Jeff an awful lot at the moment, this whole situation had not only affected them professionally, but as a couple. It was making their home life hard which made Dixie wonder if they would come out of it together or if they would separate over it. Although she would never voice that to anyone, she was scared that this would be the end of them, she didn't want that. She had told herself she would fight tooth and nail to make sure they stayed together. Dixie was pulled from her thoughts as Polly spoke up again.

'You listened to him as he told you, you held him when he needed you. You are there for him at home all the time if he needs you. Dix, as much as I hate to say it, Jeff needs to take responsibility for his actions, he is doing that now.'

'I know, believe me I know. It's just so hard at the moment. I know he begged me to report him, but now he tells me he blames me for this. You know, the other night when he picked me up.'

'Yeah.'

'We had a massive argument at home. We have never argued like that before, never. We bicker a lot, but not argue. He told me that he couldn't trust me and that he blames me for this. He said that I had not been supportive and I shouldn't have reported him. All we seem to do at the moment is argue.'

'That's probably just the boredom talking Dix, and don't forget, he is probably worrying about the outcome of his panel tomorrow.'

'What, am I am not? Do you think I am not worrying about him, his panel, and the outcome, what he will do, what we will do? I know Jeff Pol better than anyone else here, I know he meant what he said, I know he blames me, he doesn't feel I have supported him and I guess he is right. If I had of just stood my ground and not reported him, then we wouldn't be in this mess, he wouldn't blame me and I wouldn't have hit him.'

'Dixie, you are supporting him. He knows that deep down, he is just after someone to take his feelings out on and that was you the other night. He cares for you so much.'

Dixie could feel tears running down her cheeks as Polly continued to speak.

'He will come out the other side Dixie, it will take time but he will do it. You need him and he needs you. All you need to do is continue to be there for him, to let him rant and rave at you, to be there after the review panel to help pick him up if it all goes wrong. Dixie, Jeff will be fine, he will be reinstated and back here being annoying cracking his unfunny jokes.'

Polly placed a hand on her colleagues shoulder before heading off to get the jet washer. Dixie stayed put taking in what had just been said to her. She didn't want to burden anyone with how she was feeling, she didn't want to tell Jeff that she was worried about him and concerned as to what would happen, but, she knew one thing. In less than 12 hours Jeff would know the outcome of his review panel and that in itself could change their life together. Polly was right, for someone so young; she had spoken a lot of truth tonight. Dixie knew that whatever she was feeling was no different to how Jeff was feeling, she knew that she would be there for him no matter what and hoped that he would still be with her.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A / N – Sorry for the fluffy chapter 12, I didn't really do a good job of explaining things from Dixie's POV. Here is the next instalment **_

'Right, good morning everyone, we are here today to determine whether Mr Jeffrey Collier should be reinstated as a Paramedic with the Holby Ambulance Trust. As we are all aware from the files, Mr Collier was suspended from operational duty three weeks ago following his attack on Mr Rudy Valentino outside Holby ED. We are not here to put Mr Collier on trial for his actions. Merely to ascertain if he is fit and suitable to return to work following on from this as well as the shootings he was witness to.'

Jeff sat nervously in front of the panel of people who would decide if he was fit to return to work or whether he was to find a different job. He eyed each member of the panel as they introduced themselves to him, they were all a lot older than he was and he quickly learned that none of the people sat in front of him had front line experience, none had been paramedics, technicians doctors or nurses. He wondered how that would influence their decisions today; he wondered if they truly understood what he has gone through. Would they recognise the steps I have taken to get back on track?

Jeff shifted around in his seat and fiddled with his collar, this didn't go unnoticed by Dixie who was sat next to him in her uniform; she had managed to get some time off mid shift to be with Jeff, although she was meant to be there in her role as Operational Duty Manager, not as Mrs Jeffrey Collier. Without making too much of a fuss, she gently placed her hand on his leg giving it pat which made him look over to her to see her raise a smile before gesturing with her head over to the panel. Jeff smiled back before looking straight ahead at the panel.

'Mr Collier, we are going to ask you some questions about your ordeal at Holby College and the steps you have taken to recover from it. We will also hear from Natalie Jackson who you have been seeing in order to help you come to term with it. We will also ask you about your motives for attacking Mr Valentino establishing how you will refrain from doing this again.'

Jeff nodded to show he understood what was being asked from him.

'Finally we will speak with you Mrs Collier. We understand that you are in a difficult position today as we are talking to and about your husband, however, I must stress to you that the information you provide is purely professional and should not be influenced in anyway by your emotional connection with Mr Collier.'

Dixie nodded also showing she understood what was being asked of her, turning to look at Jeff once more, he smiled at her giving her a nod of reassurance.

The review panel had been the main focus of their conversations over the last couple of days, neither knew what to expect from it, what they would be asked or how the panel would reach their conclusions. Their main worry was centred on Jeff not being reinstated. They had spoken about what they would do; they had looked at their finances and worked out that they could survive on Dixie's wages along with their savings for about three months if Jeff couldn't find another job straight away. However, they had to remain optimistic that Jeff's excellent record coupled with his therapists report would stand him in good stead for a reinstatement.

'Mr Collier, we understand that you witnessed a terrible shooting at Holby College on the 7th September this year. From what your line manager, Mrs Collier has told us, she believed you to be suffering with PTSD. Could you tell us, in your own words and in your own time, how you feel that incident has affected you.'

Jeff readjusted himself on the chair before he spoke, he had rehearsed what he would say if he was asked about the college shooting with Dixie several times over the last two days, although, now he was asked, he couldn't remember what to say. Taking a few moments to gather his thoughts and take a few calming breaths, he opened his mouth to speak.

'Uh, well, uh…..it was nothing like I have ever seen before. You know when you are out on the front line, you are used to seeing RTC's, fights, forms of abuse, drug addiction and so on, I have also been there to treat gunshot victims, but this was different.' Jeff paused and looked over at his wife for comfort, just having her next to him was enough, so, taking another breath, he continued, ' I heard him fire, I had a young girl die in my arms, there was nothing I could do to save her, nothing. I felt useless. As it went on, I heard more shots being fired, more screams until it ended and I brought another girl, Simone out for treatment. It gave me nightmares, horrible nightmares; it is something which I do not think I will ever forget.'

'How did it affect your work Mr Collier, before the suspension?'

'Well, I was in a dark place I reckon, emotionally ya know. I didn't seem to have much time for time wasters, practical jokers or anything like that, but, I never let it affect how I did my job, never let it affect how I treated patients medically. But I wasn't in the mood to be called a hero, local celebrity or anything like that.'

The chairperson nodded at Jeff's response before the panel all seemed to lean forward together to make notes on their pads. Jeff wondered if he had said the right thing, he wondered what they were writing. He also wondered what they would ask next.

'Mr Collier, could you talk us through the shift you worked on October 5th, the day Mr Valentino died. We would like you tell us what happened and why you ended up attacking him outside the ED.'

Again, Jeff shifted in his seat and fiddled with his collar. How will I explain this one?

'Well, Dix, sorry, Mrs Collier and I were called out to the park, we had a report of a young female who had collapsed. When we got there, we saw it was Simone Lewis, Dix… Mrs Collier went to tend to her while I got the frac pac ready. Mr Valentino attempted to talk to me; he called me his mate and wanted paying for helping Simone. I told him no, from the way he was behaving, I thought he was either intoxicated or on a come down from drugs.'

Jeff went onto explain about how he later saw Mr Valentino at the ED, he had recognised him from the papers and was making comments about needing a hero, Jeff told the panel that whenever he saw Mr Valentino that day, he was constantly quoting song lyrics at him.

'I was just finishing up, I headed out to the ambulance, Dix.. Mrs Collier was going to finish the paperwork and join me. I saw him trying to climb through a window back into the ED, I told him again to go, before he showed me what he had stolen from Simone.' Jeff looked down at the floor, 'I don't know what happened, I guess I had had enough of him, I just saw red and flipped. I did attack him, I am ashamed of that and I am sorry of what I did.'

'OK Mr Collier, we understand that this is difficult for you.' Jeff nodded and returned to stare at the floor. 'Mrs Collier, could you tell us about your husband's actions and mood whilst at work following on from the shooting right up until the attack. We understand from the report that you found Mr Collier attacking Mr Valentino and pulled him away.'

Dixie nodded at the last part before she spoke 'Mr Collier was clearly upset and distressed following on from the shooting at the college, he threw himself back into his work, he didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to push him to talk about it. Mr Collier remained totally professional in his treatment of patients; he dealt with the press with professionalism not showing how he was really feeling.'

'Mrs Collier, do you feel that as Operational Duty Manager you had Mr Collier's best interests in mind? After all, you didn't refer him to the therapist until he was suspended, you didn't mention PTSD before the suspension and, by our records, it was six days after the attack that you reported him to HR. We also note that you didn't grant him special leave after the shooting but continued to allow him to work, to treat people knowing he was in a fragile state of mind.'

Dixie was totally taken back by this statement; she sat staring at the chairperson for what seemed like an eternity, was he placing the blame at her door?

'Mrs Collier, the trust would like to know why you acted like this, and do you feel that your lateness in responding to the emotional well being of Mr Collier had an impact on his actions with Mr Valentino? It is the belief of the Ambulance trust that had you of allowed leave for Mr Collier and advised us sooner of his PTSD that Mr Valentino would not have been attacked and Mr Collier wouldn't have been of such a fragile disposition. Do you think this is a fair judgement of the Ambulance trust to have made?'

_**A / N – TO BE CONTINUED…..**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**A / N – Thank you for the responses to the last chapter, I hope you enjoy this one.**_

'Mrs Collier, the trust would like to know why you acted like this, and do you feel that your lateness in responding to the emotional well being of Mr Collier had an impact on his actions with Mr Valentino? It is the belief of the Ambulance trust that had you of allowed leave for Mr Collier and advised us sooner of his PTSD that Mr Valentino would not have been attacked and Mr Collier wouldn't have been of such a fragile disposition. Do you think this is a fair judgement of the Ambulance trust to have made?

Dixie sat their completely dumbfounded by what she was hearing, are they now trying to blame me for this? Did I let Jeff down? She seemed to sit their staring at the chairperson for ages not knowing how to respond. She looked over at Jeff who was also dumbfounded at the accusation that was being thrown at his wife; neither knew what to say or how to help the other out of this one, they had not planned for that.

'Mrs Collier, do you think the Ambulance trust has made a fair judgement or not?'

'N-n-n-n-o, I don't think they have.'

The panel could sense that this had caught both Colliers off guard; however they were there to ascertain if Jeff was fit enough to return to work primarily, their questioning of Dixie could wait a little longer.

'Mr Collier, you have described the experience you encountered at the College, its affect on your state of mind and have spoken about the events that led to your attack on Mr Valentino, the trust now needs to know how you will control yourself if such events occur again, in other words, how will you keep your emotions and anger in check?'

'The therapy has helped me, Natalie has been great, she has listened to me, given me advice which I have been acting on. I also have the support of my wife, which I really value.' As Jeff said this, he looked over at Dixie and held out his hand for her to hold, he needed to feel her comforting touch and he knew after what had just been thrown at her, she needed it to. 'I know she will keep me in check when we are on shift together and I have started to realise what could trigger my anger, I am working on controlling it.'

'Thank you Mr Collier. We have reviewed your file; your record is outstanding and consistent which leads us to conclude that this incident was a one off, something which we are sure you have learnt from and would not be repeating again.'

Jeff nodded in agreement wondering what will happen now and when a decision would be made, he was going nuts at home; he needed to get back to work.

'We also have a statement from Natalie Jackson, the trust therapist who you have seen 8 times over the last three weeks, is that correct?'

'It is yeah.'

'And these sessions have been one to one; no one else had come with you to influence what you have said to Ms Jackson in anyway?'

'No, I have gone on my own.'

'Ms Jacksons report has mentioned that you have spoken about the incident at Holby, what you witnessed, how you felt during and after. It also mentions how you attempted to deal with it yourself and the fall out of that. We understand that you not only attacked Mr Valentino, but also your supervisor, Mrs Collier in the ED.'

Jeff looked down at the floor, he was still full of immense shame over what he did to Dixie, although her injuries had healed, it still didn't take away the feeling he had of guilt. Dixie felt she needed to jump to her husband's defence at this point; she wanted to make it clear that Jeff didn't attack her as they were suggesting he did.

'Excuse me; can I say something on that please?'

'Yes, of course Mrs Collier.'

'Well, am I alright to say this as Mr Collier's wife as well as his supervisor?'

'Mrs Collier, as I mentioned at the beginning, you are here as Operational Duty Manager, not as Mrs Jeffrey Collier, if you are unable to contribute to this review panel as Operational Duty Manager, I will ask you to leave. Please keep this strictly professional, not emotional.'

'It isn't emotional, I just feel you need to know that I don't see what Jeff did as an attack on me, I went to turn him around and caught him off guard, I misjudged the hold I had on his arm in relation to the position of his hand, it was an accident, that's all, a misjudged accident.'

'According to Sister Bateman and Doctor Winters who witnessed the attack and treated you, they say that Mr Collier was somewhat riled at seeing Devlin O'Connor in the ED receiving medical treatment. They say in their statements that Mr Collier was highly strung and aggressive in how he spoke with Dr Winters. They do, however, support your case of Mr Collier lashing out as you turned him around, whether it was misjudged by you or not, you were still attacked by Mr Collier.'

'Jeff isn't like that, you can see his record in front of you, you also have the therapists report and have heard from him about how he felt and what he has tried to do to come to terms with what he witnessed. I have every confidence that he has learnt from this and would not do anything like it again.'

'Well Mrs Collier, that is for the trust to decide.'

'And when will that decision be made?' Dixie asked, she was still determined to stand up for Jeff no matter what. 'You have an amazing Paramedic sat here who needs to know if he can return to work or not. He has done everything that has been asked of him and as his supervisor and wife, I am immensely proud of his progress.'

Jeff looked over at his wife as she spoke, her voice was shaking, he could tell she hadn't quite got over the accusation that had been thrown at her not 15 minutes earlier.

'Mr Collier, the trust is aware of how much you have gone through emotionally and how much you have done to ensure this will not happen again. We are sure that with continued support, you will eventually come to terms with what has happened and learn to move on from it. We will take some time to consider your file and what you have said letting you know of the outcome by the end of the day. '

Jeff nodded as did Dixie, as they both thanked the panel and got up to leave they were stopped in their tracks.

'Mrs Collier, while the purpose of this panel hearing was not to discuss your conduct in the dealings of Mr Collier, the trust are alarmed at your inability to have acted sooner on this. We will also be discussing whether or not to call you back for a hearing to explain and justify your actions. We will also discuss whether you should continue in your role as Operational duty manager for Holby Ambulance Trust or if that role needs to go to someone else. The trust are not happy with your actions and feel you need to accept the blame in this case. We will notify you separately of our decision.'

Dixie turned to face Jeff, he could see the shock and hurt forming in her face, he was again hit with guilt, realising that his actions not only had ramifications for him, but now for Dixie. Taking her by the hand, he led her out of the room as quickly as he could not stopping until they were out of sight and in the lift before he pulled her into a hug as her body shook with tears.


	15. Chapter 15

_**A / N – Thank you again for the reviews, here is the next update in the story – this is not the original update I had planned, I started to write it, but then hit delete as this popped into my head. Not too sure what I was thinking, but I hope it adds to the story and doesn't hinder it. **_

'Well, we have an important job to do here today, we need to ascertain from what we have heard if Mr Collier is fit to be reinstated as a Paramedic for Holby Ambulance trust as well as discussing what action we would like to bring against Mrs Collier and her negligence to follow procedure.'

The chairperson was a roundly built man in his late 50's, going slightly bald and grey, he used to be a company executive for Glaxo, however when a job at the Ambulance Trust came up, he jumped at the chance to get involved with the running's of it. He saw himself as a trouble-shooter, one to get results, he didn't mind who he upset on the way, as long as he delivered. He didn't care much for people's feelings, he was there to make sure they were held to account for their actions and accept responsibility for them.

'It is a tough one Richard, but, I cannot but help but feel for the pair of them in all of this.'

'Melissa, I think you need to remember we are here to do a job, and that job is to decide on an outcome, we cannot get involved in the emotional side of the relationship Mr and Mrs Collier have.' Richard responded.

'I know, but it must be hard for them and I do think we need to recognise that. I am not saying it should influence our decision, but, we need to be mindful that whatever we decide is going to have an effect on their marriage.' Melissa was the youngest of the panel members, she had recently returned from maternity leave, and had felt the closeness between Jeff and Dixie throughout the interview. She had a conscience, she knew they had to reach a professional decision, but she also felt it was her duty to ensure that they were supported emotionally; she did not want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage.

'What do you make of all this Simon?' Richard asked the third member of the panel who up until now had sat silently observing the body language of everyone in the room.

'Well, ultimately the purpose of the panel is to decide if Mr Collier should return to work and I think we need to address that first. Any discussions about Mrs Collier as well as their marriage can wait.'

'I agree, the fact that they are married shouldn't have any bearing on our job here.' Richard said as he opened Jeff's file and placed it next to his notes. 'Let's review what we have shall we.'

'From how Mr Collier presented himself today, his body language, how he sat, it is clear that he feels remorse for what he has done. I noticed him look at the floor a lot when he was challenged on his actions, and he is clearly close to his wife as he also looked over to her for support. He seemed uncomfortable with the whole situation, but I think he has made progress.' Simon started off the proceedings, he was a counsellor who specialised in body language and attitudes, so had managed to read Jeff pretty well.

'And what of Ms Jacksons report?' Richard asked.

'Well, Natalie is pleased with what they have covered in their sessions. She has said it took the first two sessions to get him to open up about what he witnessed and how he felt, but, the more he spoke about it, she said the more he started to accept that there really was nothing he could have done. With regard to his actions towards Mr Valentino and Mrs Collier, the latter seems to have affected him the most. Natalie said he broke down as he spoke of what he did to his wife.'

'Well he would have done, that is why I think we should be cautious here gentlemen, we do need to consider their emotional connection.' Melissa interjected earning a small nod from Simon but a glare from Richard.

'And what of his actions towards Mr Valentino? What do you make of that Simon?'

'Mr Valentino knew which buttons to press to get a reaction from Mr Collier, he sensed he was not in a good place and played on it. From what Mr Collier has told us and Natalie, he did tell Mr Valentino to back off on numerous occasions but these were ignored. I am not condoning what Mr Collier did, but, I think he has accepted he was wrong and has begun to see what he can do to prevent it happening again.'

'In your opinion, do you think he should be reinstated?' Melissa asked

'I think he has the continued support of the counselling sessions with Natalie along with the support he will get at work and at home from his wife. I do think he should be reinstated yes.'

'Thank you for your input Simon, Melissa, how about you, what do you think based purely on professional facts.' Richard asked putting emphasis on the word 'professional'.

Melissa looked through her notes and Jeff's file, she was there to look at it from a HR point of view considering if Jeff had kept to the terms of his suspension as well as looking at his past performance in relation to trust targets and policies.

'To be honest Richard, I think considering what he has gone through, the emotional journey he has been on, he has learned from his mistake. I do not think he will lose his temper just like that, but he needs to learn to manage it, my only concern would be what would happen if he witnessed another traumatising incident, would he open up to his line manager straight away or will he shut himself off?'

'Do you think he poses a risk to patients then Melissa?' Simon asked observing how Melissa was shifting bits of paper around in front of her.

'No, his record when dealing with patients is exemplarily, he has passed all of his courses and been on the most recent training. I don't think he will with those he is treating.'

'Who do you think he poses a risk for then?' Richard questioned.

'There is a small part of me that worries for the well being of Mrs Collier in all this. She took quite a battering from him.' As she said this, she passed a photo of Dixie's bruised and swollen face for the other men to see. 'I am a little concerned if he lashes out at her again, that's all, but I think she will keep him more in check this time.'

'It is a concern, yes, but, I think we need to distinguish between professional and domestic here. So, Melissa, would you reinstate Mr Collier?'

Melissa nodded.

'Good, well, I will contact Mr Collier once we have finished here and inform him he can return to work on Monday 2nd November. I will also tell him he needs to continue with another 10 sessions with Ms Jackson. I will let him know that we will monitor his progress carefully, if he misses a counselling session or is reported to be behaving unprofessionally, we will have no choice but to release him from his contract. Everyone in agreement?'

Simon and Melissa nodded in Richards's direction signalling they were.

'So, what about the actions of Mrs Collier in all this Richard? It is right to say that she needs to accept blame in her management of her staff, but, how do we now go about investigating that?' Simon asked. He had observed how Dixie reacted to the accusation put to her, she had looked straight into the panel, colour drained from her face as shock appeared. Simon had noted how she looked completely dumbfounded and off guard. He felt guilty at now having to sit and discuss action against her, like her husband, she had a reasonable record, the only blemish being Sammy Malone. Like Melissa, he was concerned of how the outcome would affect their marriage. He had recently been divorced, so knew what pain they would go through.

'Well, she was with Mr Collier at the college, she saw him straight away and must have recognised he was struggling to come to terms with everything. She also noticed his reactions to the press, the medal he was given, she witnessed him attack Mr Valentino but did not report it straight away. She did ignore his well being and that is not acceptable. I am even more shocked that she didn't even notice it at home.' Richard remarked.

'How do you know, she might have done and could have picked him up on it at home. Yes they work together, yes they are married, but, home and work are two different things Richard. We do not know what went on in their home at the end of a shift.' Melissa spoke up for them, she had seen them work together when she was on an observational shift and could sense how deeply they cared for one another and even she had to admit, they made the perfect team.

'We don't Melissa; we are here to discuss her professional actions, not her actions as a wife.' Richard commented.

Sensing he needed to bring this item to a close quickly before two panel members got into a fight, Simon spoke up again,

'We can guess all we want about what happened in their home, the fact is we need to hear it from her and her only. I know you are concerned Melissa about the effect this would have on their marriage as am I, but Mrs Collier did behave unprofessionally and whether you like it or not, her actions led to Mr Collier's outburst and her actions only.'

Melissa let out a sigh, she knew Simon was right, and as much as she wanted to help the Colliers, she knew that Dixie had not followed protocol and she needed to be picked up on it.

'Well, it has been a long and tiring morning, but we have reached two important decisions. I will telephone Mr Collier to let him know the outcome, Melissa; can I ask you to call Mrs Collier from a HR point of view please?'

She nodded and glanced over to Simon who gave her a look of sympathy. They were about to tear two people apart all over again, could they really have the destruction of a marriage and friendship on their conscience?


	16. Chapter 16

**A / N – So, the review panel have made their decision, it is time to find out how Jeff and Dixie react to the news. Hope you enjoy this update. **

Jeff held his wife close to him as he led her back through the Ambulance Bay and to her office. He didn't want to engage in any conversation with anyone apart from Dixie, but, the best laid plans and all that...

'Hey guys, how did it go?' Polly called over from the other side of the Bay as she saw Jeff and Dixie walk passed. She could see that Dixie looked a little upset and gathered by the way Jeff had hold of her; it hadn't quite gone according to plan. Polly put down the box of gloves and jogged over to them.

'Well?' she asked as she got nearer.

Jeff stopped but pulled Dixie into his shoulder so that Poly couldn't see her face before he replied:

'They are going to discuss and get back to me by the end of the day, bloody trust, bloody idiots.'

'Oh mate, I am sure it will be OK though.'

'Yeah, well let's hope.'

Polly noticed that Dixie hadn't said anything since she had come over and the fact that Jeff had purposefully turned her away mean there was something else wrong. Motioning towards Dixie, Polly gave Jeff a look as if to say 'what's up with Dixie?' Jeff met her gaze and shook his head slightly.

'Like I said, bloody idiots.'

'Jeff, what is going on?' Polly asked

'Nothing for you to worry about Pol, we are just going to get some bits from Dixie's office.' He said as he attempted to move them again in that general direction.

'Jeff, I may be younger than you, but I know when something is up.'

Jeff ignored the young technicians comment as he continued to guide Dixie through the corridor to her office, Polly, on the other hand, wasn't giving up so easily. She knew the last few weeks had been hard on them, she had heard all about it from Dixie whilst they were on shift together, she knew something was amiss now and she wanted to be there to help her two friends. They had been there for her in the past and present; she wanted to return their kindness.

'Jeff, you are worrying me, what is going on? What happened at the panel and what on earth is up with Dixie?'

Jeff stopped dead in front of the door, his fingers hovering above the key pad ready to punch in Dixie's date of birth. He didn't speak, he didn't need to, a voice from his shoulder did that instead.

'The Trust is blaming me for it. They said I didn't follow procedure and that I need to be investigated.'

'What?' Polly said totally taken aback by what she had heard. 'You cannot be serious?'

Jeff and, for the first time, Dixie turned to face Polly. Their faces told a different story. Polly could see it in Jeff's eyes and the way he had kept hold of Dixie made her know they were not playing about. She looked over at Dixie, who, for the first time since they had arrived back had moved her head out of Jeff's shoulder. Polly could see her eyes were red and she was clearly still upset.

'Oh my God, you are serious aren't you?' Polly said raising her hand to cover her mouth.

Jeff nodded before opening the office door guiding Dixie in and to the sofa where he sat down next to her. Polly followed them in shutting the door behind her; she knelt on the floor in front of Dixie placing a comforting hand on her leg as Jeff placed his arm back around her shoulders.

'They said that I should have reacted quicker when Jeff came out of the college, they said I should have stopped him from working and given him leave. They said that because I didn't, it led to his attack on that patient. They are saying it is my fault Pol, they are blaming me for this.' Dixie said as fresh tears rolled down her face.

Polly didn't know what to say, she looked over at Jeff who was looking down at the floor. He didn't know how to respond either.

'They also said that they are not happy with the length of time I took to report Jeff to them. It is my fault Pol, I should have done what they said and I didn't, it was my fault all of this happened and now...'

'Don't say that Dix, it wasn't your fault at all. It was mine and you know it.' Jeff said turning to face his wife.

'But I let my feelings for you get in the way of me doing my job properly.'

'No you didn't mate, you did what you thought was right at the time. The trust are just morons.' Jeff returned.

'You saw how he spoke to me Jeff, you heard it as well, they are going to consider if I should carry on as ODM as well Pol.' Dixie said the last bit as she again turned to look at Polly who was sat there absolutely shocked at what she was hearing.

'They cannot do this can they?' she asked.

Jeff and Dixie both nodded.

'But, they are messing you two about, which is not right, they clearly don't care do they?'

'I've got to face up to it, I didn't follow procedure and I need to deal with that.' Dixie said almost defeated at the outcome. Jeff looked at her, guilt rearing its head again from deep within him. I have done it again; I have let her down again. She doesn't deserve this, I do.

The three of them sat in silence for a while longer processing the events of the morning before Dixie jumped up to her feet,

'Come on Kid; let's get the ambo sorted for the next shift.' Turning to Jeff 'You can come too and sit in the cab reading the paper or something; you can look but can't touch Jeffrey.'

Polly and Jeff watched Dixie leave her office and head back out to the ambulances.

'Jeff, what is going to happen now?'

'I dunno Pol, I really don't.'

'They cannot seriously blame Dixie though can they?'

Jeff shrugged his shoulders and took a deep breath before following Dixie into the bay. He needed to keep it together for both of them although he was so full of guilt over what had happened in the meeting. He wondered what would have happened if he had of opened up to her earlier, would he have prevented this all from happening? Jeff sat in the cab watching the person who meant so much to him busy herself cleaning and tidying. How can I put this right for her? It isn't fair that she is now taking the blame for something I have done.

He was pulled from his thoughts as his phone rang, retrieving it from his pocket he answered:

'Hello'

'Hello Mr Collier' came Richard's voice on the other end, 'Its Richard Collins from the Ambulance Trust, I have called to give you our decision.'

'Oh right, yeah.' Jeff replied motioning to Dixie to come over and join him.

'We have viewed all the files and information you have given us. You can return to work as a Paramedic on Monday 2nd November.'

Jeff couldn't help the big wide smile that broke out across his face; this hadn't gone unnoticed by Dixie who sensed it was good news.

'Thank you, I am really looking forward to getting back.'

'There are a couple of conditions you need to be aware of though Mr Collier.' Richard returned

'Yes of course, what are they?'

'You need to attend 10 more therapy sessions with Natalie and, if we hear of you doing anything like this again, we will be forced to terminate your contract. I will write in a few days to confirm.'

'Yes, I look forward to it, thanks a lot.'

'Yes, well, let's hope you have learnt your lesson here then. Right, well, good luck Mr Collier..'

'Before you go, can I ask what the board have decided in relation to Mrs Collier?'

'Mr Collier, I am unable to discuss that with you. The Trust will contact Mrs Collier separately.'

'Right, well I just thought as you phoned me you might be able to tell me, I am her husband after all.'

'Mr Collier, as I have already said, I am unable to discuss that with you. You have our decision, so hopefully you can move on. Goodbye Mr Collier.' And with that, Richard had gone.

Jeff placed his phone in his pocket and got out of the cab. Dixie had moved to the back of the ambulance with Polly as Jeff walked around.

'Well?' Polly asked

'Ambulance trust, what do they know. Bloody idiots.'

'Oh mate, I'm sorry, I wish it had gone the other way.' Polly replied looking downhearted.

'Yeah I bet you do...coz they HAVE REINSTATED ME HA HA!' Jeff shouted as Polly ran over to him, picking her up he spun her around before noticing Dixie sat on the step Jeff put Polly down and walked over to her, taking her by the hands, he pulled her up and into a hug placing a kiss on her cheek.

'Well done you Mr Collier.' She said

'No, thank you Mrs Collier for everything.' Jeff replied kissing her again.

'Sorry to have to break this up, but can I have a word with you please Dixie, in private.' Jeff and Dixie looked up to be met by Melissa. 'I guess Richard has called you then Jeff?'

Jeff nodded, the celebrations seemed to be cut short rather abruptly.

'Well, I am pleased it went the way you had hoped for Jeff, I really am.' Turning to face Dixie, 'Sorry, Dixie, but we need to have a little chat.'

_**A / N – I have had another idea for a story involving our favourite paramedics, I seem to have hit a block on 'It Started with a Kiss', if you would like me to upload a new fan fic on these two, let me know. **_


	17. Chapter 17

'Dixie' Jeff called as he knocked on her office door. 'Dix are you in there? Are you OK?' It had been two hours since Dixie had walked off towards her office with Melissa and Jeff hadn't seen her since. He was worried, worried about what was said, worried about what may happen to Dixie, worried about how she will react. He had seen Melissa leave about half an hour ago but hadn't gone straight up to Dixie; Polly thought it would be best if he left her alone for a little while. The suspense of not knowing was getting to him; he needed to be with her.

'Dixie, whether you are in there or not, I am coming in.' Jeff warned before he pushed in her date of birth to open the door. There was one problem, the door didn't open. Jeff tried again, but still nothing.

'Dixie, let me in, please babe.'

On the other side of the door, Dixie was sat on the floor she had put the secondary lock on so Jeff couldn't get in. She wanted to be by herself although hearing Jeff frantically trying to get in and pleading with her was starting to break her in two.

'Babe, please open the door, I need to know you are OK.'

Dixie didn't respond.

'I am not leaving you know, I am just going to sit out here until you get bored and let me in, I am not going anywhere without you.' Jeff slid down the door until he was sat cross legged on the floor. He had his back firmly up against the door, sensing he was there, Dixie shuffled herself to mirror Jeff, although a wooden door was between then, she could feel his presence. Slowly she closed her eyes and thought back over what Melissa had said to her, how was she going to tell Jeff?

'The trust have made their decision about me.' She said so that Jeff could hear her the other side of the door.

'Whatever it is Princess we will deal with it together.'

'They are still holding me to account Jeff.'

'How can they do that?'

'She said that as I didn't follow procedure with you they want to know why I acted how I did.'

'Princess, please open the door.'

'No, not yet Jeffrey.'

'This is silly talking to you through a door; you need me in there with you.'

Dixie could feel tears forming in her eyes again, she wanted to let Jeff in, she really did, but she wanted to tell him about it, in a strange way, she found it slightly easier to talk to him when she wasn't facing him.

'They have called me to a hearing tomorrow, they have put on an emergency one as this is a serious concern of theirs.'

'Shit babe, Dix, this is all my fault.'

Ignoring his comment, she continued 'they want me there at 9.30 with my log of events.'

'Right, well I am coming to.'

'You can't mate; they said I had to go on my own. Depending on the outcome, they may call me back with the Union Rep present.'

Jeff rested his head in his hands; he couldn't believe what was happening to them now. He couldn't believe that his actions had come back and hit Dixie right in the face - again. She didn't deserve to be treated like this, she had done nothing wrong in his opinion, the trust were being out of order.

Dixie sat there listening for some sort of noise or response from Jeff, she wasn't getting anything. She knew he was sat there blaming himself, as much as what had just happened had shocked her; she needed to let him know it wasn't his fault.

'Jeff.'

'I'm still here.'

'Don't blame yourself.'

'Why?'

'It is not your fault.'

'Yeah it is. I am the one who didn't talk, I am the one who bottled everything up, I am the one that hit out at the patient and at you. It is my fault Dix.'

'No, it isn't.' Dixie's voice became more assertive even though she was really upset. 'You were right with what you said earlier.'

'What did I say?'

'About if it was anyone else I would have done my crust at them and reported them.'

'Me and my big mouth.'

'No, but you were right. I would have done without a second thought. I did let my feelings get in the way of me doing my job. I sensed something wasn't right with you when we brought Simone back to the ED from the college, but, I didn't do anything about it. I knew you were having problems, but I let you carry on. The trust is right Jeff; I didn't have your best interests at heart. I let you down as your boss and your wife.'

Jeff sat on the floor shaking his head as Dixie spoke, he shut his eyes thinking of how to respond to her before he almost fell backwards. Dixie had opened the door and was now crouched behind him:

'I should have put my foot down Jeff; I should have stopped you from working. I thought I could help you but my waiting only made things worse.'

Jeff turned around to face her 'Dix, you cannot and I will not let you blame yourself for anything. The trust are just looking to create problems that's all. You did what you thought was right at the time.'

'I let you down..'

'For Christ's sake Kathleen stop it.'

Jeff was getting angry now; he wasn't angry at Dixie, he was angry at the Trust and was even angrier at himself. Dixie looked up into his eyes; he only called her by her first name when she was in trouble or when he was really cross with her. Was this the case now?

'Just stop talking like that. You have not let me down; you could never let me down. It is me that has let you down.' Jeff could see tears forming in her eyes again as he turned to face her, placing his hands on either side of her head, he looked straight into her eyes. 'You have absolutely nothing to worry about do you hear me. I am going to fight tooth and nail to make sure the trust drop their silly accusations. They are wrong about you, so very wrong and I will make them see that.'

Dixie managed to smile at him and nod her head, after a few moments, she realised that they looked a right pair sat on the floor. 'Shall we get up off the floor; I bet we look like a right pair of bloody idiots.'

'Yeah, s'ppse we should.' Jeff added with a small laugh.

As they got up, Polly approached them clearly looking worried about what had happened, 'Dix, Jeff, what's going on?'

Looking at Dixie for reassurance that it was alright to tell her, Jeff opened his mouth to speak, 'Bloody trust have called her in for a meeting tomorrow morning to justify her actions.'

'Really?'

'Yeah Pol, really. The upshot is that if they feel I have acted inappropriately, I could lose my job as Operational Duty Manager.' Noticing the look of horror on Jeff and Polly's face, Dixie added, 'Well, if I do, at least you won't have to put up with me bossing you two around at work anymore. You will only have to put up with it at home Mr Collier.'

'Oh Dixie, I am so sorry. Are you OK, do you need anything?' Polly asked moving forward to hug her friend.

'No thanks Pol, I am fine you get off home now and I will see you tomorrow.'

'You sure?'

'Yeah, go on, get off with you.' Saying her goodbyes for the day, Polly left.

Dixie turned to face Jeff who was sat on her desk with his head in his hands, she didn't want him to feel guilty, but she knew he did. They should be celebrating his reinstatement not thinking about what could happen to her.

'Right Mr Collier, get off the desk and come with me.' She said as she pulled him off her desk.

'Where are we going?'

'Well, I booked us a table at your favourite Italian place; I am taking you out for dinner to celebrate your reinstatement.'

'What? Oh no Dix, we can't celebrate not with what is happening to you. It won't feel right.'

'Jeffrey, we are going to celebrate your news and we are going to do it with a lovely meal. Now, take me home so we can get ready.'

As much as the outcome of tomorrow's meeting was on her mind, Dixie was determined to celebrate Jeff's reinstatement; she was also determined to make sure he celebrated it to. Locking her arm into his, she led him out of her office closing the door behind them.

_**A / N – So, I wonder what will happen? This may be the last update for a little while, I will try and update again when I can. Thank you for reading. **_


	18. Chapter 18

_**A / N: So very sorry for the amount of time it has taken me to update this piece. I have had a manic few weeks and things are not looking any better! I hope you like this update and thank you for all the reviews and support, sorry about the ending. **_

Dixie sat on the sofa at home trying to get her head around the events of that morning. She knew it would be a difficult meeting but she hadn't expected it to be as fierce as it was. She had prepared herself for some challenging questions and had rehearsed her answers, although, when she was there, everything vanished from her mind.

Jeff had wanted to come with her, but he wasn't allowed to, it had taken a lot of effort on her part to just get him to agree to drop her off and then head home. He hadn't wanted to, but deep down he knew there was nothing he could do.

It was now lunch time, Dixie had walked home hoping the air would clear her head and help her to think things through, but she sat there just as shell shocked as she was when she walked out of the hearing. Jeff wasn't home yet, he had gone off to see some old friends, as he thought it would take his mind off it although he had just text her to say he was coming home, so, she knew she would see him soon.

In all fairness, she didn't need to wait long as she heard his key turn in the lock pulling her from her thoughts. She smiled as he came crashing through the door slamming it behind him.

'Dix, are you home?' he called out as he walked down the hall.

'Yeah, I am in here Jeffrey.' She called out as he walked into the lounge, 'so, how was your morning then?'

'Yeah, good thanks. It was great meeting up with everyone again. We are definitely going to do it more often.' Jeff replied, slipping down on the sofa next to Dixie.

'So what did you get up to then?'

'Just had a coffee and a really greasy but gorgeous fry up. Nothing fancy, just grub and a chat.'

'Sounds like fun. I am glad you got out and saw some old mates, it beats hanging out with me or around here.'

'Yeah, guess so.' He replied

'Oi, cheeky sod.'

'Enough about me, tell me about you. I want to know what happened.' Jeff asked as he moved closer towards her. She could see the anguish in his face, he had a right to know and she couldn't put off telling him any longer, especially when he would find out the result soon enough. Dixie sighed heavily fiddling with her nails,

'It was horrible mate, really horrible. I am not just saying that or overreacting, it just was. You know me, I didn't go in with any preconceived ideas or notions as to what would be said, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting what I got.'

'God Dix, this is all my fault.'

'Jeffrey Collier stop blaming yourself. We keep on doing this, playing the blame game and going around in circles, but it isn't getting us anywhere. Yes, in hindsight, we could say you should have opened up to me straight away, told me what you saw. And, yes, I should have said to you to take some time off, forced you into seeing someone to help you rather than letting you work. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but we both need to accept our mistakes and get on with our lives.' Dixie was forceful in what she said but right at the same time. Jeff nodded at her, he knew what she had said was right, he knew that he had to stop blaming himself, although he couldn't shake the guilt that still consumed him on a daily basis. No matter what she said, he would always blame himself.

'So, what did they say to you then?' he asked sheepishly, there was a part of him that felt like he had just got his wrist slapped by his boss and wife, but he knew she wasn't cross with him.

Dixie sighed once more before she recounted the whole experience to him. She had to hold it together, no matter how hard she found it.

_FLASHBACK _

_Dixie sat in front of Richard and Melissa with her log of events placed on the table. She didn't really like Richard, especially after his attitude towards her at Jeff's hearing. She found him to be arrogant and only there to make people's lives a misery. She figured that he wasn't married or in a relationship or anything like that because he clearly didn't care much for her marriage to Jeff and the affect this would have on their relationship. Yes it was only platonic, but he didn't need to know that. Melissa on the other hand was kind in her manner especially when she came to tell Dixie about her hearing. Dixie could tell that she cared and hoped she would be an ally not an enemy. _

'_Mrs Collier.' Richard said bringing Dixie back down to planet hearing. 'Can you talk us through your decision log for Mr Collier please?' _

'_Take your time Dix' Melissa interjected earning her a stony glare from Richard. _

'_Mrs Collier, can I remind you that this is a formal hearing in which we will determine whether your actions led to Mr Collier's attack and eventual breakdown. We will hear what you say and question you on your actions. Can I remind you that this is professional and not linked to your marriage in anyway.' _

'_Yes I understand that, but please remember that he is my husband.' Dixie snapped back. She wanted him to realise that Jeff wasn't just a payroll number on a spread sheet; he was her husband, a person with feelings and emotions. _

'You said that to him?' Jeff asked. 'Bloody hell Dix, are you trying to get yourself sacked?'

'No, not in the slightest, I just needed him to realise that people who work for the ambulance trust are not just numbers. They have lives, feelings and all that. He just spoke so coldly, it infuriated me.'

'You were never one to keep your mouth shut.'

'No, I know. Anyway, Melissa thought it was funny.'

'So come one then, tell me Princess.'

_FLASHBACK CONT _

'_Mrs Collier, I do not think I need to remind you what is at stake here.' Richard retorted with some venom. 'You are at risk of losing your managerial role at the very least. Now, please talk us through your log.' Dixie had to hand it to him, Richard was pretty annoyed at her outburst and was determined to make this as uncomfortable for her as possible. _

_Dixie opened her log and talked them through the events, she told them how they went back to the college to check on a patient from earlier that day, how she watched Jeff go in, how she heard screams, alarms and ran into action. She told them how she helped as many people as she could directing the police and other crews to assist everyone. Dixie spoke of her relief at seeing Jeff walk out of the college unharmed but looking visibly shaken up. _

'_Jeff had brought out Simone Lewis; he looked quite shaken and bewildered at what was going on. I went over taking Simone from him guiding her to our ambulance. Jeff followed driving us back to the ED. He didn't speak to me the whole time we were there apart from to decline a tea break. I had a feeling something was wrong, but just thought he was in shock, nothing else.' _

'_Are you saying you had cause for concern right there but yet did nothing?' Richard interjected moving forward to lean across the table; he didn't take his eyes of Dixie, not once. _

'_No, I am saying that he behaved like anyone else would have done if they had never been in that situation before. I thought he needed a little breather to collect his thoughts and then he would be OK. Callouts affect people in different ways, we have been to some RTC's in the past that have shaken me up but not fazed Jeff, that's just the way it is.' _

'_Carry on Dixie' Melissa encouraged while Richard made notes on his pad._

'_Jeff seemed OK the following day; he got up as normal and carried on. We were called to a school, LSD in the water jug. He was cracking bad jokes and just being Jeff, I thought he had put the incident behind him. Over the next few shifts he didn't give me cause for concern. He called me a mad cow as always, took the mick, and was sarcastic towards me but totally professional with the patients and colleagues.' _

'_So what happened for him to lash out then Mrs Collier? Did you not see it coming?' _

'_It was a difficult day for him, well a difficult couple of days. He had received a call inviting him to the college to pick up a medal, and then we received a callout which turned out to be for Simone. I guess it all just brought it flooding back to him.' _

'_Mrs Collier, I am far from convinced by any of this. You live with the man, how did you not pick up on his true feelings?' _

'_I thought you said this hearing would be professional? Why are you bringing my home life into it?' Dixie asked. _

'_I am just trying to figure out how a wife couldn't see that her husband was in such an emotional state. Surely you know him better than anyone and would have seen that he needed help. Why did you ignore it?' _

'_I didn't ignore it; you have no idea what it was like.' Dixie shouted back. _

'_Tell me.' Richard relaxed into a laugh, he had got her back up, he had sparked a reaction from her and was glad. Now we are going to get to the bottom of this, he thought. _

'The bas…'

'JEFF'

'What? I am only saying the truth.'

'I should have known he wasn't going to make it easy for me, I should have known he wanted to push me to my limits. It is like he is getting off on this whole situation.'

'Yuck, that's just wrong. Surely you could report him for professional misconduct?'

'I don't think they would take the blindest bit of notice of me.'

'C'mon Dix, he had no right probing into our home life.'

'He was just doing his job, trying to find out if I missed anything, if you showed me any signs of being emotional that I missed.'

Sighing, Jeff moved on the sofa so he was laying down resting his head on her lap, 'so how did you answer that?'

Dixie looked down at her husband, how was she going to explain the next bit to him without causing him to overreact? Biting her lip, she just blurted it out taking her eye off him focussing on the wall the whole time.


	19. Chapter 19

_**A / N – Again, sorry for the ridiculous amount of time before updating, had an awful lot going on, but received some good news today! Here is the next instalment, the cliff hanger on the last chapter has made this one awkward to write, so apologies. **_

_FLASH BACK CONTINUED _

'_You want the truth do you?' Dixie snarled at Richard, he was sat back as cool as a cucumber clearly enjoying the fact that he had got to her. Melissa on the other hand was quite shocked, she knew what he could be like, but even she had started to think he had gone a bit too far this time. _

'_Yes Mrs Collier, as I said, I want to know how a wife could ignore or not see what her husband was going through. I want to know how a wife, who is also his line manager, let him work each day knowing that he was a ticking time bomb. I want to know why you acted in the manner you did.' _

'_Richard, do you think we need to stop for a breather?' Mel interjected. _

'_All in good time Melissa. Mrs Collier, you are here for us to find out if your actions contributed to Mr Collier's actions, or if indeed your actions were responsible for Mr Collier's actions. May I remind you that if we determine that you were at fault in anyway, we will have to take action, that action being to remove your title as Operational Duty Manager re advertising the post for someone else?' _

_Richard continued to eye up Dixie who could feel her blood boiling under her skin. _

'_I know what is at stake here thank you and I am fully aware as to why I am here. My concern is, would what I say be treated fairly?' _

'_Dixie, what are you trying to say?' Melissa asked, she could see that Richard had got to her and that he was starting to behave unprofessionally himself. _

'_I am saying I do not think I am going to get a fair trial, for want of a better word. I think that you have a different agenda today.' _

'_OK Dixie, I think we do need to have some time now to have a coffee and get some fresh air, let everyone calm down and gather their thoughts.' _

'_No.' Dixie replied flatly. _

'_I beg your pardon; I do not think you are in any position to question anything Mrs Collier.' Richard snapped. _

'_I am perfectly entitled to. I am not happy to continue this hearing with you present or without a union representative here. I do not feel I am being given a fair chance to speak, I am cross that you have started to question my home life and personal relationship when you stated yourself that it as a professional hearing. So, no, I am not happy to continue.' _

_Richard flared his nostrils at Dixie as it was now her turn to be calm and his blood to boil. How dare she question me? He thought to himself. He was not used to having his comments or actions questioned, least of all by a woman. He had to remain in control, he needed to be in control. _

'_Dixie would you step outside for a minute please?' Melissa encouraged attempting to smile at her as she got up and left. Waiting for the door to close, Melissa turned to Richard. _

'_You are not going to like this, but I do agree with her. Richard, what is going on? You have not given her a fair hearing; you have questioned her personal relationship with her husband. What are you trying to prove?' _

'_Nothing, how dare she and how dare you question me. Neither or you are in a position to do that. I am the chair, I am in charge and I will be listened to. That woman out there needs to accept her actions caused her so called husband to attack a patient, she needs to accept it.' _

_Melisa remained far from convinced. 'What about her request for a union representative?' _

'_We ignore it. Get her back in and let's wrap this whole thing up.' _

_Melissa reluctantly got up to fetch Dixie, she could hear Richard taking deep breaths as she moved across the room, they had clearly got to one another, she wasn't sure for how much longer she could play mediator, but she had to try. _

_As Dixie sat back down, Richard attempted to make her feel more at ease. _

'_I think we both need to calm down and remain professional. It is clear that this has also affected you in some way. Now, if you could please tell me if there is anything more you wish to add to support your decision log?' _

'_I have told you everything and have accounted for everything. I know you think that I should have picked up on Jeff's behaviour as his wife and maybe I should have been more attuned to him. At the end of the day, he didn't display any issues or emotions when at work until that day, so I couldn't have known. I am not excusing what he did, I think it was some kind of delayed trauma that was triggered after the phone call, the patient knew which buttons to push, and push them he did. Yeah so I should have reported him earlier, I accept that.' _

_Dixie looked up as she spoke, especially as she said the last bit, she knew she was admitting to a wrongdoing, so she eyed Richard closely. _

'_The thing is, you would do anything for the people you love. I would do anything for Jeff, absolutely anything. It doesn't excuse the fact that I didn't follow protocol straight away with him, but, there is that emotional link, I wanted to help him as his boss and wife, but it was clear he needed more than that.' _

'_I understand what you have said and are saying Mrs Collier. Now, if you would give us a few moments to re read your log and take into account what you have said, we will have a decision for you shortly.' Richard said as he gestured for Dixie to leave. _

_The wait seemed to take an eternity outside the room. Dixie walked up and down the small corridor several times fiddling with her hair nails and jacket. She found herself leaning up against the wall holding her phone starting at the wallpaper of Jeff smiling; she felt she had let him down in more ways than one. Before she knew it, she was sat back in front of Richard and Melissa. _

'_Mrs Collier, it has been a hard few days for you to say the least being sat here with Mr Collier before being here by yourself to justify your actions. You admitted you should have reported him sooner and for that we agree that you were in the wrong. Your log of events is thorough in parts but vague in others. We have reached a decision.' Richard began. _

_Oh my God, I am sacked, I know it, Dixie thought to herself. _

'_Mrs Collier we feel that you need to be mentored and retrained as Operational Duty Manager. I will be placing you on a six month mentoring scheme in which you will have a more experienced manager observe your work and check your paperwork. You will also be required to attend a training course to brush up your skills and reacquaint yourself with procedure. We have also agreed that you and Mr Collier should attend a seminar on 'Dealing with your Partner at work – a Practical guide to married couples.' We feel you both need to learn how to separate your personal and professional lives.' _

_Dixie sat there dumbfounded at what she was hearing, she was being punished, maybe she would have preferred to have someone else be the manager than to have her work scrutinised. _

'And there you have it.' Dixie said as she looked down at Jeff who was still lying on the sofa with his head on her lap. She hadn't really noticed the fact that all throughout her recount she was rubbing circles on his forehead and head in a soothing motion.

'So, we have to attend some poxy seminar and you are going to have some person assessing and watching your every move?'

'Yeah, afraid so, well, at least I am not sacked, although I am starting to think that would have been the better option.'

'No, no bloody way Dixie, there is only one person who can tell me what to do and that is you.'

Dixie smiled, 'Well in that case, get up off your lazy arse and make me a tea, oh yeah, and bring me the chocolate that is in the fridge, I will eat that.'

'I didn't mean it quite so literally.' Jeff said as he got up sitting next to her.

'Jump to it Collier.'

'You really are a cheeky cow sometimes you know.'

'Yeah, but I am your cheeky cow.'

She felt like a load had been lifted on both of them, maybe now they could really start to move on after everything that had happened.

_**A / N – Well, one chapter down. I might write a short chapter 20 to round things off (my OCD won't let me finish on an odd number). **_


	20. Chapter 20

One year on, two figures in florescent jackets stood in front of Holby HE College. The rain was thundering down, but that didn't stop people laying flowers and lighting candles in memory of the terrible tragedy that took place one year ago to the day. Relatives, Friends, Students and Lecturers alike paid their respects at the shrine that had been set up. People came and went, but the figures of two people remained constant for a while.

Jeff stood staring at the picture of Miriam, the girl who died in his arms, fresh tears forming in his eyes as he recalled her final few moments. Dixie sensed his sadness and placed her arm in his bringing them closer together.

A lot had changed for them in that year, they had both been through review panels, both been on various courses and Dixie's mentoring and retraining had gone without a glitch – Jeff never doubted her ability to do her job, unlike the review panel. They were grateful that they were both allowed to carry on with their work and grateful that they had each other.

'Go on sweetheart.' Dixie urged as she handed Jeff the flowers they had brought to lay at the college. Taking them from her, Jeff managed to give her a half smile before stepping slowly forward, placing them in front of Miriam's picture. He crouched down for a while staring at her and the messages people had left. It saddened him to think that someone so young had their life so cruelly taken. Someone was missing their daughter, sister, and friend. He wondered what she would be doing now if she had still been alive. He didn't know how long he had been there but he felt someone crouch next to him and place their hand on his leg, looking up, his eyes met Dixie's.

'Well done, you have been really brave.' She said to him as she helped him to his feet.

'Have I?'

'Yeah, one year Jeff, it has been one year. You have been through so much and have held it together. I am proud of you Mr Collier.' Dixie replied placing a light kiss on him.

'Why thank you Mrs Collier.' He responded taking hold of her hand giving it a squeeze. He looked around the pictures and shrine for the last time and took a deep breath. He had been on a long journey this last year and had come to realise that Dixie was right all along, he was only human and should stop blaming himself. It had been a hard thing to do, but he had done it.

For the first time, he felt he had his life back, he was back in control. Smiling to himself, he turned to his wife, the one person who had stuck by him, supported him, held him and cared for him.

'You ready them Mrs Collier?'

'Yeah, think so.'

'Right, let's get this back to the Ambulance Station then we can be off.'

'I won't be missing this weather.'

'Nah, me neither, we are long overdue this aren't we?' Jeff said as he walked Dixie back to their ambulance.

'God yeah, we need a break, two weeks in Tenerife doing nothing but sunbathing, swimming, eating and …..'

'Many other wicked and naughty things.' Jeff cut in quickly

'Yuck!'

'Oh come on Dix, what did you think I meant?'

'God only knows.' She replied to a smug looking Jeff who blew her a kiss across the cab causing her to smile back at him.

'Thank you.' Jeff said as he started the engine changing the tone back to one of seriousness for a while.

'For what?'

'Putting up with me and helping me. Oh yeah, and agreeing to come away with me.'

'You don't need to thank me Jeff, I would have done all of those things for you and you know it.'

'I am just counting my blessings.'

'Don't get all sentimental on me, now come on, we have a holiday to go on.'

Jeff smiled at her, something which she returned before they drove off towards their new life. The year had been tough, but they still had each other, for that, they were both grateful and happy. With the help of his Dixie, Jeff had finally moved on with his life, things were looking up for the pair of them and they couldn't have been happier.

_**A / N – I know it is short and rather rushed, but I hope it finished the fic off well. Thank you to all my reviewers, I am grateful for all your kind words. **_


End file.
